What I've learned about parenting as a stay-at-home dadGlen Henry

Alright, I want to tell you how I got
my superpowers through fatherhood. I was working a job I hated, OK? And I don't know if anyone here
ever worked a job they hated. Has anyone here
ever worked a job they hated? (Laughter) OK, good, because I'm not alone and I have something to confess;
I don't want you guys to judge me. This feels like a safe space,
is it a safe space? Audience: Yes.

Glen Henry: OK, I was working
the job I hated, my manager and I were not getting along. I was sitting in my car,
looking in the rearview mirror, trying to figure out
which friend I could call to call in a bomb threat, so I didn't have to go
back in the building. (Laughter) OK, this was having
a lot of issues for me, I was having a lot of issues at my job and I'd come home every day from work and my wife would ask me
the same question. And when you hate your job, this is the worst question
anyone could ask you.

She'd say, "Hey babe, how was your day?" (Laughter) And I'd say, "Why you bringing up old stuff?" (Laughter) I just left it, I don't want
to think about that place again. See, we were spending about
40 percent of my income on childcare. We had one child. And we were pregnant
with our second child.

And we were trying to figure out
how we were going to fix this whole thing of this money situation, and she said, "Hey, babe, I've got a great idea." I said, "What's up?" She said, "I think you'd be
a great stay-at-home dad." (Laughter) I was like, "Why would you say
something like that?" (Laughter) She said, "Because babies like you." (Laughter) I was like, "No, they don't." She was like, "No, they do like you. And I think it would be great for our children to see what love
looks like, coming from a father." I was like, OK. (Laughter) So, I had issues with this, because I haven't seen a lot
of stay-at-home dads before and I thought men would judge me,
so get this, I said this -- please don't be offended -- I said, "Uh, you know, that sounds boring. And what do stay-at-home moms
do all day, anyway?" Audience: Ooh! She smiled at me a smile
only a woman full of knowledge can smile (Laughter) and said, "Well, this
should be easy for you.

And it will save us some money,
it seems like a no-brainer." (Laughter) Fast-forward six months, I'd been a stay-at-home dad
for about a week. (Laughter) I was standing in my bathroom,
looking into the mirror (Laughter) crying, tears -- (Laughter) running all down my face. (Laughter) My one-and-a-half-year-old
was banging on the bathroom door -- because I locked them out, you know -- (Laughter) crying, tears running down his face. And my newborn was in the bassinet,
crying, tears running down his face.

I looked at myself
in the mirror, and I said ... "Which friend can you call
to call in a bomb threat? We've got to get out of here." (Laughter) See, I had traded my manager
for my children. I didn't know what I got myself into. I thought I knew everything
about being a stay-at-home parent, and in fact, I knew nothing at all.

Because even though my manager was -- well, at least my children
were a lot cuter than my manager, they were just as demanding. (Video) Child: Wipe my butt. Papa, wipe my butt. (Laughter) Wipe my butt.

(Laughter) GH: What had I gotten myself into? I thought I knew everything
about being a stay-at-home parent -- in fact, I knew nothing. I thought that all I had to do
was feed them, change their diapers, and they'd be fine. Like, I really thought that's it. "Sesame Street" on TV,
keep them distracted, apple sauce in a bowl,
milk in a bottle, they'd be fine.

But if you leave children alone, they'll get into
just a little bit of mischief. (Video) Child: Hi. GH: Where is the powder? Child: I don't know. GH: Well, where did you put it,
where did it -- Who did it? Child 1: No, you did it!
Child 2: No, you did it! Child 1: No, you did it!
Child 2: No, you did it! (Laughter) GH: You know what else I thought I knew
about being a stay-at-home parent? I thought that all I had to do
was take them to the park once a week, because if I took them to the park
once a week, they'd be fine.

In fact, I knew nothing at all. OK. If you take kids to park every day
then that means they get dirty every day. If they got dirty every day,
they need baths every day, if they got baths every day -- I just don't think you understand, see,
having two kids under two, you end up changing
over 20 dirty diapers a day, OK.

And if you give them a bath,
that's just more nakedness. (Laughter) And a higher probability
of getting peed on, and no one likes getting peed on,
even if it's from a baby. (Laughter) But I read this article by Father Lee which cites a survey done by two
detergent companies, Omo and Persil. And they did this study and it said,
that at two hours a day, prisoners get more
outside time than children.

That convicted me and so we went outside. (Video) (Music) (Laughter) GH: See, I knew nothing
about being a stay-at-home parent, and once I embraced the fact
that I knew nothing, I began to learn from my new managers. And I always was told that as a stay-at-home parent,
you get no sleep. Or as a parent in general,
you get no sleep.

But that's not true,
because if you sleep when they do, you actually can get some sleep. (Laughter) You know what else I thought
as a stay-at-home parent? I though I knew that the best way
to teach kids right from wrong was to discipline them, because that would make sure
they understood right from wrong, the pain, the fear --
that would teach them. But the truth is, the best way to teach
my children right from wrong is to teach them. Take out a whiteboard and draw pictures
and make connections that they can understand.

That was the best way. A lot of these images you're seeing
are coming from my YouTube channel, "Beleaf in Fatherhood." I document the misadventures
of being a stay-at-home dad. And it's not perfect,
it's just showing that I'm trying. And I'm not trying to be an example but just proof that it's possible
for whoever else is doing this.

You know what I also knew
about being a stay-at-home parent? I knew that children needed love, but I just didn't know
what love looked like. (Video) (Music) GH: It turns out putting
diapers on your head and play-fighting
until the kids fall asleep is a great way to love your kids. So, I was learning a lot, but it's not all fun and boogers, is it? (Laughter) I asked a group of stay-at-home parents
what's the hardest thing, the thing they underestimated most
about being stay-at-home parents, and they said that the loneliness
was one of those things. Not having someone else to talk to,
feeling inadequate, feeling selfish for wanting me-time.

And nursery rhymes suck. (Laughter) Like, really, "Mary Had a Little Lamb"
is cool the first couple of times, but after all these years on repeat, you wonder why Mary
just ain't make herself a wool skirt and have lamb chops,
you know what I'm saying? (Laughter) The one thing I underestimated most
was the emotional fatigue. See, I was an artist,
so I'd write songs for other artists. Because that's how I made money from home.

But when you're with your kids all day,
you become emotionally tired. And that means all your creativity
comes from your emotions, so youre just tapped out, you're done. So you become done with time. Nap time, time-tables, time-out,
time like to cook, with all types of time, you're just done.

You had no time for anything. And some people are done with their spouse
as a stay-at-home parent. Because the spouse just doesn't get it. I was talking to a friend
of mine, he said, "Man, I come home from work, drawers are open, clothes
hanging outside the drawers, the kids are still in their pajamas ...

And it can't be that hard to have
dinner ready when I get home, right?" (Laughter) Start to freak out,
you know what I'm saying? (Laughter) He was trying to confide in me -- (Laughter) I said, "You have no idea
what you're talking about." (Laughter) She wakes up every morning,
tired from the night before, baby attached to her breast,
dropping this kid off at school, and taking this one to the park. Laundry piles up to the skies, he has a conversation on the phone
for an hour with your mom about God knows what, takes the dog you wanted for a walk ... (Laughter) And nobody died, bro. She kept your kids alive
all day, that's hard." (Laughter) I have become an advocate
for stay-at-home parents.

Why? Because finally, I was
standing in their shoes. Because when you're standing
in someone else's shoes, you see the world
from a different perspective. And when you start to take steps,
it feels like baby steps, wobbling. But then they turn into stomps.

And you start making footprints
for the next generation to walk in. See, we're walking
on a certain path, as parents. We're all in this together. No one can deny that family
is one of the biggest foundations in anyone's life.

And we're all walking on this path, and we're pulling these thickets
out of the way, and these thorns, making it easier for the ones
coming after us. It turns out, parenting
has a lot more to do with landscaping. And learning. More than teaching.

And the best thing to do
is to show up for class. Be present is what I learned
as a stay-at-home dad. And let your presence be a gift. (Video) Shh.

(Door unlocking) Hi! (Children giggling) (Laughter) GH: This was me, coming home
from tour one day. I thought that the father
was supposed to pursue the child. But it turns out the father
makes himself present. And the children run after him.

And that right there is a superpower. And that right there,
my friends, is everything. Thank you. (Applause).

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Single Parents - Official Trailer

[ Barking ]  In this great big world  [ Bell chiming ] Attention! Excuse me!
Hello. Hi. My name is Will Cooper,
your room parent. Oh, no.
Ooh.

This is bad. Sophie and I are new
to the school. I am single. Um, I always try to get that
out there.

Just never quite sure
how to work it in. DOUGLAS:
Somebody tell me when it's safe for my nuts to return
to my body. Parents!
Oh, God. The new guy.

We have got to deal
with him. I just wanted to circle back. Let me say it plain. We're not gonna do anything
you want us to do.

We're single parents.
We don't volunteer. We just try and survive
until a time in the day when it's appropriate
to open wine. I don't know if you heard
my announcement, but I am single as well... We heard.
We heard.
We heard, bro.
W-We heard.

...So I have no wiggle room
on parent participation. You're in deep.
Deep in what? The vortex. That place where you're
so wrapped up in your kid that you've lost all touch
with your adult life. I know...
'Cause I've been there.

The wheels on the bus
go 'round and 'round   'Round and 'round,
'round and 'round   The wheels on the bus
go 'round and 'round  [ Glass shatters ] It happens to all of us. I don't think
I'm in a vortex. When's the last time
you made love? There's no judgment here.
This is a safe space. Give or take a month,
it's been about five...Years.

Oh, baby, no.
Oh! Got to take a lap. God in... You guys said that this was
a safe space. Not that safe.

Okay. We got Amy. We got Emma.
We got Rory. We got Graham.

Who are you? Wrong van, kid.
Get out of here. Beat it. WILL:
The greatest part of parenting is it gets you out
of your comfort zone. Look, I'm not interested
in leaving my comfort zone, and I haven't been
since my wife died.

I can't imagine losing
your best friend. She was a 26-year-old
exotic dancer. She looked great
in pants. Ain't love a funny thing? Welcome, dudes! Why do you have this? I've never seen that before
in my life.

Your wallet is in here! And a bag of popcorn
that's still hot! What are you gonna wear
on your date tonight? This.
Oh, God. Or... [ Grunts ] ...Shorts.
[ Baby crying ] Your -- Your pants are making
my baby cry!  This great big world  Hey, Dad.
What are you doing? People don't think
that kids can buff and wax, but they're
the perfect height.  Whoa  WILL:
You guys are lucky.

You have each other
to look out for one another. It takes a vill--
Don't say it. You're a disaster.
Preach.  In this great big world  What's happening?
Who are these people? They're my village.

Boo.
Ugh.
You ruined it. Look, let's forget about this,
Officers. Go ahead.
Get yourself something nice. Sir, put the money away.

I know these jeans
are very tight, but Rory likes them,
so I'm wearing them. I've seen worse butts..

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Responsible parenting Create memories, not expectationsAusteja LandsbergieneTEDxRiga

Translator: Ilze Garda
Reviewer: Peter van de Ven Every single one of us here today
knows something about families. Every single one of us is someone's child, therefore has experienced parenting. Some of us are parents
and have our own children. I have four.

As human beings,
we are all familiar with expectations. Expectations laid on us
to succeed in life, expectations at work - to deliver, to be effective,
to know, not to fail - the expectations for parents
to juggle personal and professional lives, eat healthy food, prepare our children
healthy meals every day, participate in sports,
read books every night, and excel at work at the same time. Today, you have expectations for me: to surprise you, to reveal something new, to tell a secret of parenting
you have not known before. You have those expectations.

I have been an educator for 20 years,
a mother for 15 years, two master's degrees, one PhD, running 15 preschools
in Latvia and Lithuania, three schools, author of parenting books. I bet this room is filled with thoughts, hopes, duties, and tasks. It's like a raindrop getting bigger,
bigger and bigger before it falls. And what do we do? Without noticing, we transfer all these expectations
that we have on our children.

When I was opening my first preschool, I was introducing a new concept
of contextual education to parents, training new teachers, and assembling IKEA furniture
at the same time. On one really hot summer day on a campus, a prospective family
was being walked around, and they asked whose girl
was roaming around, the one in winter boots
and a plastic princess dress. I had to admit that I was
the irresponsible mother, because in Lithuania we have expectations
for how children should look and behave. And she was not meeting any of those.

It takes guts to be acceptive
of who your child is, to be at peace, to let go. But I also have moments
that don't make me proud of myself. My daughter is seven,
and she loves to polish her nails. During the spring break,
she had them polished and forgot to remove it
after I asked her to do so.

Being the busy mother I am,
I didn't follow through, and there it was: the end of the break, in the morning,
and my youngest with the nail polish. I got upset since we were
on our way through the door, and I had no time to remove it. I said I was disappointed,
I said I was angry, I shamed her. On the way to school,
she sat in the back in the car, and, instead of being
the happy girl she is, she was quiet.

She was not excited to go back to school. She greeted her teacher, and I saw
she had her fingers turned inwards. She was so conscious about her nails. And I felt a stab in my heart.

Why did I do this? I didn't do this because of her, I did this because I was
concerned and conscious of what the others will think of me. Credentials, education and all. Just recently, I counseled a mother who was cooking three different dishes
for her three children every day. She did not enjoy it.

She was exhausted,
and she felt unappreciated. I told her to stop. Just stop it. It's been two weeks.

She cooks one meal for everyone. Her children are still alive. She is much happier,
both as a mother and as a human being. And it took so little
to make a big change.

The paradox is that more than anything in our lives
we want our children to be happy. We fear judgement,
we fear disappointment, we fear failure so much that we have become constantly worried
and stressed as parents. Today, we expect a kindergarten student to do what elementary students
were doing just a decade ago. On one hand we know that a child's brain undergoes
an amazing period of development between zero and three, producing seven hundred
neural connections every second.

Seven hundred. We want to load
this amazing speed train fully; can anyone blame us? However, we forget one thing. Neuroscientists have also found
that chronic stress triggers long-term changes
in brain structure and function. Children who are exposed to chronic stress
are prone to mental problems, such as anxiety, depression,
and mood disorders later in life, as well as learning difficulties.

The famous psychologist Lev Vygotsky was the first to talk about the zone
of proximal development. Children learn best when they are in the zone where tasks
are not too easy and not too hard, where the goals are achievable
with grit, determination, and passion. How can we make sure
we and our children are in that zone? How to achieve that balance where the magic
of joyful learning happens? I think I was approximately
seven years old, and my family and I
were skiing in Georgia. We got up the mountain out there, and there on the very top
was a huge storm.

I completely froze
and refused to ski down. My father tried to persuade me,
but there was no way I was going to ski down
in a storm like this. So he told me to close my eyes,
he placed me between his legs, and we skied down - together. He could have made me.

He could have shamed me. And yet, he chose to be kind, and that's what I remember to this day. This is my memory
of my father and my childhood, and it is my motivation to never give up. This simple question, what kind of memories
do I want for my child, keeps me going and should us all: at home, schools, everywhere.

Is our parenting founded
on kindness and generosity? Is our parenting founded
on criticism and hostility? What is our habit of mind? What are we looking for? Are we looking for the things
we can appreciate, or are we looking for mistakes? Kindness makes our children feel loved, not the degrees we have, not our concerns, not the number of after-school activities
we take them to every day or homework we check. Kindness - that is our key story
and key memory. Do you remember how many teachers
made a difference in your life? One? Maybe two. Three? Imagine how our world would be different if only three did nt make
a profound difference.

Children don't need a stress-free life. Moderate or good stress, such as studying hard
and learning new skills, builds circuitry
and a more resilient brain. But prolonged stress reaps chaos. Remember - kindness every single day.

And for those already posing a question
about encouraging laziness, I answer, "No, it will not encourage this." Human beings are born
curious and creative. Have you ever seen a one-year-old who gives up on walking? No, they get up as many times as needed, no matter how many times they fall. And they do. Because they are determined, and they don't fear failure, yet.

What is failure? I oftentimes ask parents why they are so stressed
when it comes to parenting. They say they don't want
their child to be a failure. But we impose our understanding of failure
of mid-20s, 30s, 40s, whatever, to our five-year-olds. They have to enjoy
the carelessness of life.

I have recently read a story of a very, very talented and young girl
who got into Columbia, only to have gone missing one year later. She felt guilt and anxiety,
but she could not go on pretending; pretending that she wanted
to do things that she really didn't. Both she and her mother
felt an enormous stress and then a great relief when reunited
after the girl had been found. It's a story with a happy ending, a memory created that will last for life.

And even though I might have created
an expectation for a magic trick, I have to dissapoint you. Magic is the memory that we create now. I create memories just like you do. There is no perfect day or moment to come.

If we keep waiting
for a perfect day to come, it may never come. We will come back too late from work. We will be tired, we will be frustrated,
we will be exhausted and angry, and it may rain when we have planned
a perfect walk in the park. Parenting is spontaneous,
more than anything else.

Parenting is about the unexpected
moments of bliss that we savor. When we decide to run a marathon, we don't run 42 kilometers
on our first try. We may run one kilometer
or just 500 meters. But just like all big journeys
start with a first step, so does the journey of parenting.

Hug your child, smile, bite your tongue
when you are going to reprimand. It's only a dozen of minutes most of us
spend with our children per day, let those minutes count. Let us make those minutes a candidate
for the best memory competition: an experience of unconditional love. Last week, I was in Iceland,
and at a conference I met a mother who said that she used to want her son
to get the very best grades.

She also used to tell him that she was too busy
to do the things with him that he wanted and that she considered
were not important - like going for a ride on a tractor
that he was asking her to do. And then she realized
that better grades were her expectations, and the tractor was his. And a tractor ride it was. After a while, his grades improved.

She told me not about the grades, she told me about the relationship
she has with her son today, and how letting him go
brought peace into their lives. She was able to create an amazing memory. You don't need to nt have expectations; always do your best,
and when you do your best: do better. Children will see it
and will live by example.

You won't need to say anything. But when it comes to them,
think about the future, think 10, think 20 years from today. What do you want
your daughter to remember? What do you want your son to remember? Teach them to ride a bike; to unsuccessfully bake a cake
and giggle about it; have a difficult conversation; laugh today when you have gotten
angry yesterday; forgive; apologize; teach values; whisper "I love you"
more often than you think you should and more than you have done before. Dare to create loving memories to last a lifetime.

I have come to believe it's the one thing worth living for. Thank you. (Applause).

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Parents Explain Why They Use that Good GoodParents ExplainCut

- If I smoke weed when I'm a teenager, what do you think? - Well I can't be a hypocrite because I smoked when I was a teenager but I hope that you don't follow my steps. And what? (Quirky music) - Do you know what we're
going to talk about? - Not so much.
- Not really. - Do you know what drugs are? Yeah. - It's a bad thing for people to have.

- It's a bad thing for people to have? - Some drugs can be very bad if you don't need to take them and you do or if you take too much of them. - They can do bad stuff when they do that. They get in fights a lot. They can go to jail.

- Smoking can really hurt your body. So we have to be real
careful what drugs we use and when we use them. - What drugs do you know about? It's okay, you can say it. - Weed.

- Have you heard of marijuana or what some people call weed? No? It's a big plant that they grow and they roll it in a little cigarette. - A little green - I think I've seen it. - Yeah, you've seen it. - Have you ever seen people smoking? - You saw someone smoking
in the wintertime? What did you think about that? - You thought it was very cool? - Do you do it now? - I do.

(Laughs) - I've actually tried it, probably four or five times
over the last several years, marijuana. That okay? - No. - Oh. - Why did you do it? - I wanted to feel a little different.

Sort of like having a glass of wine. Why do people have a glass
of wine after dinner? - I don't know. - Well you know sometimes
life gets stressful, right? Sometimes we all have a hard time. - When I get up in the morning,
I feel this panic sometimes.

Like Oh. You did felt that feeling before, right? Like that nervousness and when I smoke, it helps me calm down and be like, okay, I
can think about my day and figure it out. - Not everybody who uses
marijuana, smokes it. Some people eat it.

- Sometimes I eat this plant, yeah. - Well, the plant doesn't taste yummy but sometimes, you know you
mix it with other things to make it taste better. - How does it make you feel? - More relaxed. - You just sit there like mellow and you wanna have some Doritos.

- Sometimes it makes me hungry. - Well, to be honest with you, I don't really know why
it makes you hungry. - Do I seem different
when I've been smoking? - I don't think so because
you've been smoking a lot. - Hard to tell? - It makes you..

- It makes me what? - Trippy.
- Trippy? - Like your vision trippy. Like when you wave your
hand, it kills like a.. It goes like a echo. - Like you see than hand like.

- Uh huh. - Okay. Yeah it doesn't do that. It doesn't affect my vision at all.

- Is it fun? - Yeah, we had a, we had a good time. Recently, I was with a couple of friends and we smoked a little and chatted and we had a nice time. - You are in trouble. - Absolutely not.

- No especially not
when you're a teenager. - Okay when you're 30. That's fair. I like that.

- 41? - Perfect. - So you have to be 21, legally to smoke marijuana in Washington. - How bout in Mexico? - I'm not sure. - When did you first try it? - Like two years ago.

- I was, I think about 14. - 14? - Hmmm hmmm. - 14. - I know.

It's way too young. Don't do that. - How? Why would grandma let you? - Grandma didn't know. I was being sneaky.

- I'm outta here. - What? He's mad at me cause I said
I smoked weed as a teenager. - When your brain is all developed. When you're an adult, it'll be okay for you to try it.

- For younger people with smaller bodies, using drugs is not safe or healthy. - Well it wouldn't be healthy
if I did it all the time. - It can make it so you
never want to leave the house or never want to go to work. So you have to be careful
to use it in a balanced way.

- Do you think that drugs
are something you're gonna do when you grow up? - No. - Why won't you do drugs? Why do you think that
you immediately said no. - Because I know it's bad. - Everybody makes mistakes
when they're a teenager.

Everybody does. And you're gonna make mistakes too. And guess what? I'll have to forgive you. - Do you think I should
do it more in the future? - No.

You'll get in more trouble. - If I do, are you gonna judge me? - Maybe. - So should I tell you
and be open and honest or should I just not tell you? - Tell me. - Okay.

- So you think you're
gonna tell me in the future if you decide to try something. - I can try. - Deal. - Hey, it's Marina from Cut.

Thank you so muc for watching
another one of our videos. What'd you think? Let us know I'm the comments down below. And if you wanna pick up any merch, please check out the link in our bio. See you next time..

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Parenting Tips - How to Discipline ChildrenParents

I'm Dr. Ari Brown and I've got some great
discipline tips to share with you today. Many methods work and different ones work for different
situations. The key is to be consistent, follow through once you've set up those rules and
limits, show respect and remain calm.

Remember, you are your child's role model and he's watching
you to see how you react when you're angry or frustrated. So, here are the four tips.
Tip number one: Teach natural consequences. It is much more meaningful for a child to
see what happens when he makes the bad choice in a safe way, of course, than to choose a
punishment that has absolutely nothing to do with the poor behavior. So, for instance,
if your toddler throws her spaghetti at the wall, she is telling you she is done eating
and should be excused from the table.

Next time, she'll remember to eat dinner and not
play with her food. Tip number two: Ignore certain attention-seeking behaviors. I know
it can be hard to disengage but if it isn't a serious offense, just ignore it. Kids will
do many things in the name of getting your attention.

If your child doesn't get a rise
out of you, she will probably stop doing it. So here's an example. Your child loves to
interrupt you when you talk on the phone. The solution? Ignore it, or else you have
taught her that that tactic works and she will continue to do it again and again.

Even
better, prepare for attention-seeking behavior and prevent it. Set your kitchen timer and
tell her you'll be able to talk to her once the timer goes off. Tip number three: Give
choices. Kids want to be in charge.

A child is more likely to cooperate if he feels like
he is involved in a decision-making process. Just make sure those options you give are
all things that you want to do anyway and be careful not to give too many options because
that can be overwhelming. So, when you're trying to get out the door in the morning,
say, which do you want to do first? Do you want to put on your shoes or put on your coat?
Tip number four: Use time-out. Yes, it really works if it's done correctly and consistently.
The whole point of time out is time away from you.

Your child can be moved to a safe place
or you can move away from your child and that can do wonders to keep you calm and in control.
The whole point is, losing attention from you is the most effective way to get your
message across. Time-out is reserved for more serious offenses that put the child or somebody
else in danger. So, for instance, if your child takes a bite out of her friend's arm,
she goes directly to time-out city. Just remember, you won't see immediate success with any of
these techniques.

Your child will test you 20 times to be sure you really meant what
you said or be sure he can't get away with things on your watch. Be patient and be consistent
and you will see results..

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Parenting Raise Yourself Before You Raise Your Kids - Sadhguru

Questioner: Pranam Sadhguru. One of the tasks that we are given and trying to do it is to raise the taking care of the kid taking care of your children at home, but we are troubled with we whenever we to make a decision or not to make a decision get troubled with like what to consider or what not to consider. Can you give us some perspective about something that we should think while making a decision or not making a decision for the kids? Sadhguru: Why are you making all the decisions for them? Questioner: (Laughs) Thats the trouble. I am sure that I am not the right person to make the decision, but should that be made or not like what do I do when I need to do something? Sadhguru: First thing, we need to understand is children only come through you, they dont come from you.

They are not your property to be conducted whichever way you feel fit. No, they are not. If you treat them as your property or your future investment - if you treat them as such, you are committing a certain sacrilege against Creation and the Creator for which there will be a price. Simply itll come in the form of life or maybe itll come in the form of your children - the price.

Yes, itll be very unfortunate to see that. I am saying this - a very cruel thing to say to any parent, but I am saying this because its a very cruel thing to parent a child. The child doesnt need that, but please see in so many ways, youre doing everything possible to see that he remains dependent on you in some way or the other. You are not thinking of liberating him.

So, the moment you start working, you want your children to be attached to you, isnt it? Well, you yourself open Bhagavat Gita and read and say You should not be attached, you should not be attached, you tell your wife See dont be attached to me But your children, you want them attached to you. So before you choose to have children, you must think about these things but if already its happened, now at least now you must think about it properly, seriously. One thing is if you want to produce something little better than yourself to the world, hmm? Its important? If you produce a child, it must be at least one step better than you, isnt it? If the same nonsense is going to happen once again, whats the point? So, something better than you has to happen means the first and most fundamental thing is you are one hundred percent straight - even if it is embarrassingly straight, youre one hundred percent straight is important. This is something very hard for most parents because thats the only place where they get to boss around.

They have a committed audience in their children. Wherever else they speak, nobody will listen to them, children till they become twelve years of age thirteen is dangerous till they become twelve years of age you have a committed audience. You are losing that also, many of you much earlier, isnt it? (Laughs) Yes, much earlier youre losing it. So how old are they? Hmm? Questioner: Four.

Sadhguru: Okay, theres enough room for correction. (Laughs) You must do this - stop parenting them. What they need is some good company, not a bloody boss walking around in the house. Yes or no? When you were growing up, did you like it, being talked down to? Did you like it? No.

So what they need is a friend, they dont need a bloody father and mother. That job is already done. Fathering somebody, mothering somebody means biologically delivering them - thats been done. Now theyre trying to become a life by themselves - what they need is a friend.

The only qualification you have against them or over them is you came here a few years earlier than them - thats all you have. What else do you have, I am asking? Are you sure you are more intelligent than your child? Are you sure? Hmm? What? Participant: We are sure we are not. Sadhguru: Yes. So the most important thing you need to understand, just you came here a few years earlier than them All you have done is a few years earlier you landed here - beyond that, you have no other qualification to tell them what to do and what not to do.

Yes or no? But, the other consideration is, if you dont tell them somebody else unqualified advice on the street will happen. You only have to guard them against that but if you have to guard them against that, that you must have the courage to bring them up in such a way that they dont take any advice from you either. You say What I say, you must listen, but dont listen to your friend. He is telling you take a drug, dont listen to him.

But what the friend says seems to be more of a pleasure than the nonsense that youre talking about. Thats a fact, isnt it? So, its not going to work If you bring up your child with a such a fierce sense of his own intelligence and his own decisions, then you will see, he will seek help because he will very easily realize that his intelligence, his understanding is not good enough for everything. But if you bring him up that he has to listen to your advice, he will come up with rebelliousness. Even when good things are said, he won't do that - he will do the reverse of it.

This is something that most parents are experiencing, isnt it? He wants to do just the reverse of it, just to feel independent because he doesnt know what it means to be independent. So, four is not bad. Now you can start treating them as just one more person, not as my child, my child. It is not yours, I am telling you.

At the most, youve given some genetic substance to create a body you cant create a life dont have such grandiose ideas about yourself. You cannot create a life. You just provided some substance some genetic substance to make a body. Yes? That too you did not think about all these things - out of your own compulsions, you do something and they land up.

Yes? So understanding that a child is not your making, its a privilege they come through you enjoy the privilege, cherish the privilege, respect the privilege. Do not abuse the privilege thats been given to you. Its very important. Why are you brought up this or that? You are supposed to grow up as a human being, isnt it? It is just that most people never create an atmosphere for people to grow, theyre brought up the way you want them to be, not the way they should be as life.

If you are not ramming up nonsense into their head, they have a tremendous sense of observation and observation naturally pops up a million questions. You answer as many questions as you can the way you know it. What you dont know you just tell them I dont know. My only problem is I came a few years earlier than you this doesnt mean I know everything.

Admit it to your children, whats the problem? Yes? You think they cant read, youre not even bloody sincere about things that youre saying. You think they can't see it? If you think they cant see it, I want you to know by the time they are ten - twelve, thirteen, if they have some problem within them, they dont come to you, they go to their friends. Why? Because they feel theyre more sincere than you. No other reason.

Yes or no? You are acting like youll drop from heaven. Who wants to listen to your nonsense unless they are so bloody brainwashed by the time they are ten-twelve. They will not listen. Any intelligent human being will not listen to bullshit.

Yes or no? Unless youre brought up on it seriously. So, just handle this privilege sensibly, respectfully do not abuse this privilege. Just you have to protect them from wrong influences. Rest, leave them free.

If you think they will anyway go wrong that must be your own self-knowledge. (Laughs) You are so sure of yourself My children bound to go wrong. (Laughs) Just protect them from you have to protect them a little bit from wrong influences, but at the same time, they must remain free of your influence, which is also a bad influence. I am saying if you show that what youre doing is of real worth and youre willing to invest your life in that, why would your children not invest their life in it? If you dont show that commitment if you do not show that involvement with life and youre expecting them to become wonderful whatever no, it will not happen and they dont listen to what rubbish you say.

Theyre observing what you do and how you are, isnt it? So, if you want to raise children, please raise yourself - dont worry about the children just raise yourself into a wonderful human being, make yourself that, it will reflect. It cannot go wrong, but theres no guarantee. (Laughter) Like in everything in life, theres no guarantee because there may be some other stronger influence on the street side, isnt it? (Laughs).

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Parenting in the modern worldKyle SeamanTEDxMontreal

Translator: Jaime Ochoa
Reviewer: Capa Girl So, like most of you here, I've been pretty excited about
this technology and this data and everything that we can do these days to really make significant changes
in people's lives. So about a year ago, my girlfriend and I decided that we could reverse engineer this very mysterious thing called parenting. And, see what we could do. So, today I'd like to share just some of the things that we've learned
over the last year about this mystery of parenting and kind of the home environment.

What's important to remember is, parenting is probably
one of the most difficult tasks that most people will ever have
to face and have in common. And it's hard. It's about balancing
the now with the future while teaching the right habits and hoping that your kids
grow up to be great. So, what's amazing is, as I began
speaking with more and more parents I realized most of them
are making it up as they go.

So, anyone out there just feel normal. Yes, there's lots of resources but turns out, most parents will say, "It'd be easy if I had a PhD
or if I had time." The number one source of help for parents is this wonderful thing called Google. They go there, and it delivers them
their answer. So what I questioned was how can technology and data
and all these great things be re-purposed to actually make
a significant change in a significant amount of people's lives.

It turns out most people have parents. It seems like a great market to go after. So, that's what we did. As I began to look at the day
of a family's life I realized there's this structure that exists and there's these things
that I like to call pivot points.

They're points in the day where the routine takes
a significant change. Where the speed is different,
something's different in terms of kids don't usually
react well to these pivot points. For example, meal time. Or, brushing teeth.

Or bedtime. Ask any parent how much they look forward to these moments in the day and if they don't sort of cringe they're not being
completely honest with you. And, it was just a really
interesting finding for us so we started to dig in deeper to this. We started holding these
day-long interview sessions with multiple parents.

And this is one of the boards I created after talking to one family. The red indicates any pain point
that he feels in his day. What was the coolest part, though, is I forgot to take this down
in between interviews and when I came back into the room
there was a dad standing there smiling ear to ear on the phone. I asked him, "What's up?" And he's like: "We're, normal!" (Laughter) It turns out
that most people assume that these tasks,
that these pivot points should be simple,
and that they're not.

They're incredibly chaotic and what's new is most people
don't really care why, they just want to know it's normal. But what's new is when you
figure out the why the why is, in most cases it's one
of the only points in the day where kids have any say. Where they can actually say no. Most of their day is about being ushered around
ushered along, and saying yes all the time.

So these are points where they can
really show their empowerment. So, what we found out
is parents need this. [Is this normal?] But I thought we could do something
a little bit more engaging, but how do we do it?
How do we define normal? How do we make it so
that a family's life is easier? So, first of all I asked: Why normal?
Do we really just want to be normal? What does that mean? It's important to understand it is not about being like everyone else, or even being average. But it is important to know
that you are not alone, that you are doing this and you are not screwing up; and that's the point
people are really striving for.

Take growth charts. They're one of the earliest
measures of normal the doctors have been using for years, and it gave parents confidence
that their kids should be growing. So, we want to see how can we take that and how can we take technology and continue to define normal for families. And, that's what we did.

We have kids using our platform, logging in every day,
checking off tasks, buying rewards, just having fun. And what's cool is it's pumping data
into our system. So one, we can finally answer
the age old question that, yes, girls are better behaved
than boys. And also, any parents
with a nine-year-old at home, if they're not behaving great, expect that.

It turns out, across our user base nine-year-olds have this
tremendous draw in behaviour. They don't want to do anything. Maybe it's the rebellious age,
maybe it's not; but what's cool is, we're starting
to surface these points and we can deliver this back in
a relevant timely manner for parents, so they start to feel a little more normal. So we started to look top tasks.

Turns out kids don't really hate
brushing teeth that much, laundry is OK, and homework's fine. But other other end of the spectrum, cleaning the bedroom, putting away toys,
and washing dishes, are hated amongst most kids. So again, if you are a parent, who find yourself struggling
at these points, you are normal. And it's so funny how much
of an impact it has to be told that, yeah, you are normal.

So, I've been speaking about this
from the parents' perspective, the secret is -- I am doing this for the kids,
I have been all along. And all too often, we forget
how awesome it is to be a kid. I mean it's one of the coolest
that anyone will ever go through. Anything's possible,
you're the coolest people around.

So, I wanted to really harness this and make sure that a kid's day
was as awesome as it could be. So, when I started thinking about
these pivot points, it was -- alright, so kids are clearly not happy, either. How can we make it
so that they're happy? Because my assumption was, if they are happy,
parents will be happy. So this is where I drew
the link to gamification.

Probably one of the ugliest words
that you've heard today, but something with a pretty neat meaning. It means taking gaming loops and feedback loops and applying
them in other places to make that activity more engaging. It can also be used in a second form
of making data which has been a big theme here today, making it accessible and usable to the average consumer, not someone who's studied data
for years and years. So, a great story around this that I have is, when I was ten, my brother was six, and I feel so bad for him having been
my younger brother; because when I was thirsty, I would propose the challenge: "Can you get me a drink of water
in less than 25 seconds?" (Laughter) And it worked, most of the time
I stopped counting, I never counted.

He always won,
he always felt great, and I got my water. And, it worked.
He felt great. He was getting this feedback loop. It then translated as I got a little older and I started my first business
which was lawn cutting.

I had some massive lawns
with a very small lawn mower. So I decided, "I'll time my laps.
Let's see how fast I can go." The beauty was, I was cutting in, so every lap was default faster. But, it was a hack that made me feel like
I was making progress. It was a feedback loop; and this is what games give you and that's why kids
are so addicted to them.

Everyone after the '90s knows
how satisfying it is to be told instantly how great you are. Those bleeps, those blings,
everything like that means a lot
even if it doesn't mean anything outside of that context,
it means something. So that's what we did
to the home routine. We turned it from being, "Do this", to, "here's your challenges, can you accomplish it?" And it turns out kids love it.

We even have parents
who were setting up these tasks and the kids are pushing
the parents to go through the day and really take it on,
and kids feel great. They want to be empowered. We forget how important it is
for kids to be empowered, especially when most of their days being told what to do. So, the other version,
and what comes back to the parents is, this is the data, this is a lot of data
like we've seen earlier.

It's not useful to most people. But we're seeing apps
being re-purposed around it, especially in the health care industry. And this is what we're looking
to do in the parenting industry. Relevant data when you need it.

So you know what you need to do now and you feel normal
and great and confident. Because once we establish
this confidence in parents, and this fun with kids,
the whole routine takes a whole new form and
cool things start to happen. In social media there is this general rule
called the 90-9-1 rule; meaning that all the content is created by one percent. Nine percent contribute,
comment, everything like that, but most of the internet is lurking, reading it, searching in Google; never actually contributing
to this conversation.

What was really interesting
is the parallels of this to the home, to the family. I always say there's that one percent, and everyone knows
that one mom or that one dad who just has the best ideas
all the time. Like, let's turn grocery shopping
into a game where you have to find all the purple vegetables,
that's great; and then, they have their 9%
which is their social circle. They talk about it a little bit;
but there's no way for that to be spread out to the 90%, and that is sort of the question.

Now that we've established normal, now that we have this great home routine, how can we take and expose
this great content to the 90% and what happens
when you start doing this? So, my favorite story is,
in the framework, we surface this great reward called ice cream for breakfast; and what's important to understand is it's so awesome
because you're six-years-old, you're at the breakfast table and all your siblings
are eating toast, it's great. It's this really empowering moment. So it quickly rose through the top rewards through our system. And it is really neat
seeing the assumptions being broken over and over again
by parents.

We have one family in Vancouver, and for months
it was TV, dinner time, TV. She assumed that kids
wanted to watch TV. She set up high scores house and she made TV
a reward that they could buy, along with other things
like craft night, baking. And, 8 weeks later they haven't watched
a single episode of TV.

She's discovered her
5-year-old loves baking, and that her 8-year-old is
a really enthusiastic all-across-the-board- but-not-TV
type of person. And that's really cool
because all of a sudden now that Friday night that was
once spent in front of the TV. Is now a baking activity, and you have parents and kids
coming together; and the cool part is we're
empowering through the kids. So, we're using the kids
to help the parents continue to feel normal,
but pushing them to have deeper moments throughout the day, and it feels great because
it's a gaming feedback loop, everyone's confident,
everyone's having fun.

And that's what gets me
really excited as we see more mobile and tablets,
and everything coming out, it's easier to provide
these feedback loops and these engagement cycles to really
transform people's lives. And I am also excited. I really wish
I was a kid these days. Anyway, yeah,
so that's what we're working on.

It's really fun,
thanks for coming out. It's been a great day everyone. (Applause).

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How to raise successful kids -- without over-parentingJulie Lythcott-Haims

You know, I didn't set out
to be a parenting expert. In fact, I'm not very interested
in parenting, per Se. It's just that there's a certain style
of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances
to develop into theirselves. There's a certain style
of parenting these days that's getting in the way.

I guess what I'm saying is, we spend a lot of time
being very concerned about parents who aren't involved enough
in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so. But at the other end of the spectrum, there's a lot of harm
going on there as well, where parents feel
a kid can't be successful unless the parent is protecting
and preventing at every turn and hovering over every happening,
and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards
some small subset of colleges and careers. When we raise kids this way, and I'll say we, because Lord knows,
in raising my two teenagers, I've had these tendencies myself, our kids end up leading
a kind of checklisted childhood. And here's what the checklisted
childhood looks like.

We keep them safe and sound and fed and watered, and then we want to be sure
they go to the right schools, that they're in the right classes
at the right schools, and that they get the right grades
in the right classes in the right schools. But not just the grades, the scores, and not just the grades and scores,
but the accolades and the awards and the sports,
the activities, the leadership. We tell our kids, don't just join a club, start a club, because colleges
want to see that. And check the box for community service.

I mean, show the colleges
you care about others. (Laughter) And all of this is done to some
hoped-for degree of perfection. We expect our kids
to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked
to perform at ourselves, and so because so much is required, we think, well then, of course we parents
have to argue with every teacher and principal and coach and referee and act like our kid's concierge and personal handler and secretary. And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling,
nagging as the case may be, to be sure they're not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant.

And here's what it feels like
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood. First of all, there's
no time for free play. There's no room in the afternoons, because everything
has to be enriching, we think. It's as if every piece of homework,
every quiz, every activity is a make-or-break moment
for this future we have in mind for them, and we absolve them
of helping out around the house, and we even absolve them
of getting enough sleep as long as they're checking off
the items on their checklist.

And in the checklisted childhood,
we say we just want them to be happy, but when they come home from school, what we ask about all too often first is their homework and their grades. And they see in our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, comes from A's. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like a trainer
at the Westminster Dog Show -- (Laughter) coaxing them to just jump a little higher
and soar a little farther, day after day after day. And when they get to high school, they don't say, "Well, what might I
be interested in studying or doing as an activity?" They go to counselors and they say, "What do I need to do
to get into the right college?" And then, when the grades
start to roll in in high school, and they're getting some B's, or God forbid some C's, they frantically text their friends and say, "Has anyone ever gotten
into the right college with these grades?" And our kids, regardless of where they end up
at the end of high school, they're breathless.

They're brittle. They're a little burned out. They're a little old before their time, wishing the grown-ups in their lives
had said, "What you've done is enough, this effort you've put forth
in childhood is enough." And they're withering now
under high rates of anxiety and depression and some of them are wondering, will this life ever turn out
to have been worth it? Well, we parents, we parents are pretty sure
it's all worth it. We seem to behave -- it's like we literally think
they will have no future if they don't get into one of these
tiny set of colleges or careers we have in mind for them.

Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid they won't have a future we can brag about to our friends and with stickers
on the backs of our cars. Yeah. (Applause) But if you look at what we've done, if you have the courage
to really look at it, you'll see that not only do our kids
think their worth comes from grades and scores, but that when we live right up inside
their precious developing minds all the time, like our very own version
of the movie "Being John Malkovich," we send our children the message: "Hey kid, I don't think you can actually
achieve any of this without me." And so with our overhelp, our overprotection
and overdirection and hand-holding, we deprive our kids
of the chance to build self-efficacy, which is a really fundamental tenet
of the human psyche, far more important
than that self-esteem they get every time we applaud. Self-efficacy is built when one sees
that one's own actions lead to outcomes, not -- There you go.

(Applause) Not one's parents'
actions on one's behalf, but when one's own actions
lead to outcomes. So simply put, if our children are to develop
self-efficacy, and they must, then they have to do a whole lot more
of the thinking, planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming and experiencing of life for themselves. Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn't need a parent's involvement
or interest in their lives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no. (Laughter) That is not what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is, when we treat
grades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for
admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that that's too narrow a definition
of success for our kids. And even though we might help them
achieve some short-term wins by overhelping -- like they get a better grade
if we help them do their homework, they might end up with a longer
childhood rsum when we help -- what I'm saying is that all of this
comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self. What I'm saying is,
we should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able
to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they have
the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful
wherever they go. What I'm saying is, our kids need us to be a little
less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing
a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores.

(Laughter) (Applause) Did I just say chores?
Did I just say chores? I really did. But really, here's why. The longest longitudinal study
of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional
success in life, which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life
comes from having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves-
and-pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says,
there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it,
it might as well be me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort
to the betterment of the whole, that that's what gets you ahead
in the workplace.

Now, we all know this. You know this. (Applause) We all know this, and yet,
in the checklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing
the work of chores around the house, and then they end up
as young adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn't exist, and more importantly,
lacking the impulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves and pitch in and look around and wonder,
how can I be useful to my colleagues? How can I anticipate a few steps ahead
to what my boss might need? A second very important finding
from the Harvard Grant Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love of work, love of humans: our spouse, our partner,
our friends, our family. So childhood needs to teach
our kids how to love, and they can't love others
if they don't first love themselves, and they won't love themselves
if we can't offer them unconditional love.

(Applause) Right. And so, instead of being obsessed
with grades and scores when our precious offspring
come home from school, or we come home from work, we need to close our technology,
put away our phones, and look them in the eye and let them see
the joy that fills our faces when we see our child
for the first time in a few hours. And then we have to say, "How was your day? What did you like about today?" And when your teenage daughter
says, "Lunch," like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, you have to still
take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, "What was great
about lunch today?" They need to know
they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA.

All right, so you're thinking,
chores and love, that sounds all well and good,
but give me a break. The colleges want to see
top scores and grades and accolades and awards,
and I'm going to tell you, sort of. The very biggest brand-name schools
are asking that of our young adults, but here's the good news. Contrary to what the college
rankings racket would have us believe -- (Applause) you don't have to go to one
of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and successful in life.

Happy and successful people
went to state school, went to a small college
no one has heard of, went to community college, went to a college over here
and flunked out. (Applause) The evidence is in this room,
is in our communities, that this is the truth. And if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look
at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos
from the equation, we could accept and embrace
this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world if our kids don't go to one
of those big brand-name schools. And more importantly, if their childhood has not been lived
according to a tyrannical checklist then when they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they'll have gone there
on their own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.

I have to admit something to you. I've got two kids I mentioned,
Sawyer and Avery. They're teenagers. And once upon a time, I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees -- (Laughter) that I was going
to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect
form of a human that might just be perfect enough
to warrant them admission to one of the most
highly selective colleges.

But I've come to realize, after working
with thousands of other people's kids -- (Laughter) and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren't bonsai trees. They're wildflowers of an unknown genus and species -- (Laughter) and it's my job to provide
a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can
love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that's up to them. My job is not to make them become
what I would have them become, but to support them
in becoming their glorious selves. Thank you.

(Applause).

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How to Become a Better ParentDr. Shefali on Impact Theory

Tom: Hey everybody. Welcome to Impact Theory. You are here my friends, because you believe
that human potential is nearly limitless, but you know that having potential is not
the same as actually doing something with it. So, our goal with this show and company is
to introduce you to the people and ideas that will help you actually execute on your dreams.

All right, today's guest is a clinical psychologist,
and acclaimed author on the topic of parenting, who's not only on Oprah's SuperSoul 100 list,
but Oprah said, brace yourself, that in the 30 [00:00:30] years she's been doing interviews,
this woman is the best she's ever seen. Not bad. Born in India, but trained in the West, her
work focuses on the integration of the Eastern philosophy and mindfulness into the realm
of growth, expansion, and transformation, bringing some much needed pizazz to the somewhat
homogenous world of self-improvement. Her views on parenting aren't just unconventional,
they're downright controversial.

Her ideas are so fresh that they cut through
the clutter of the books designed to tell you how to fix your child, and instead ask
you to [00:01:00] fix yourself first. Her approach to what she calls conscious parenting
has attracted global attention, and the Dalai Lama himself wrote the preface to her first
book, praising her ability to bring compassion to the masses. She has certainly gotten good at reaching
the masses. She's been asked to speak all over the world
at high profile events like Wisdom 2.0, TEDx, Kellogg Business School, The Dalai Lama Center
for Peace and Education, and a gaggle of others.

You've got to see these things. People practically throw their backs out jumping
to their [00:01:30] feet at the end of her talks. She is amazing at conveying complex new ideas. As such, she also has a thriving private practice
where she helps individuals, couples, and families with the process of finding their
truest selves.

According to her, she's always known she'd
make a career out of helping people heal, and I can't imagine a profession much more
noble than that. So please, help me in welcoming the best selling
author whose latest book The Awakened Family is truly a revolution in parenting, the woman
Oprah called revolutionary [00:02:00] and life changing, the astounding Dr. Shefali. Welcome.

Dr. Shefali: Thank you. Tom: Absolutely. It is a pleasure.

I'm glad that you're here. So, it's funny. Doing that intro, I know your feelings on
leading people, especially kids, to believe that they have potential and that they have
to do something with it. So as I'm reading I'm like, "Oh, she's really
going to have a field day with this one." Define for us what conscious parenting is.

I think that will give us the framework to
really dive in. Dr. Shefali: [00:02:30] Sure. Consciousness first needs to be understood
as a commitment to unearthing the emotional and conditioned legacies of your mind.

We've all inherited so much baggage from culture
and from unconscious parents and their ancestors. As a result, we grow into these legacies without
ever questioning [00:03:00] how do they work for me? Who am I in all of this? What is my truth in all of this? We live off prescriptive checklist and believe
that if we don't follow that checklist, then we are somehow lesser than. When we do this with a child who has come
into this world with a throbbing spirit desirous of kind of figuring it out, and we've kind
of already ruined that chance by here's a checklist. This is what I believe is success and failure
and beauty and achievement.

[00:03:30] Now follow my way or you're already
an outcast in my eyes. The process of consciousness in parenting
mandates that the parent not hand over that prescription. In order for the parent to not hand that over
means that they have had to come to let go of that prescription themselves. They've had to somehow deconstruct their own
emotional legacies and find their own truth so that they can then unleash it in their
child.

Tom: It really is [00:04:00] neat the way
that your book focuses so much on the parent, and not on the kid. As somebody who doesn't have kids, I haven't
read a lot of parenting books, but certainly I've encountered enough of this to realize
normally it's tactics, tools, techniques to really help your kid manifest their potential
or get into the best school or whatever that book is aimed at. Dr. Shefali: Right.

Tom: When did you start thinking about the
fact that this is really a problem aimed at the parents, that it's a cycle, that it's
literally [00:04:30] just generation after generation that's being passed down? What was that moment for you? Dr. Shefali: Yeah. It was quite epiphanic, because I did not
want to see this. This is not a convenient truth to tell the
parent that they have to fix themselves.

I mean, the last thing a parent because we're
very defensive and we always believe we're right, and this is our one chance to show
the world that we got this right, we're good enough, our children. Now being told that it is not the child and
it's all you, and that's something you need to look at is threatening [00:05:00] for the
parent, is threatening for anyone. No one wants to look in the mirror, correct? So now to be asked to look in the mirror in
the most intimate, profound experience relationship of your life is deeply ominous for a parent. It takes a lot of courage.

When I came upon it is as a therapist working
with family after family and observing that here were parents who had completed the checklist. They had financial success. They had emotional longevity in long-term
relationships. They had arrived, and yet there was [00:05:30]
a deep dysfunction or deep disconnection between themselves and their children.

That led me to be curious, well what is it? If it isn't what we think it is, success,
money, marriage, stability, maturity, then what is it? I began to see that it's this thing that I
call consciousness, which is really the parent's inability to realize that there's this thing
called conditioning that obscures the ability to see the child for who it is, so because
we've [00:06:00] been conditioned, we don't even know we're so conditioned. Tom: With like cultural norms and stuff on
what we should want? Dr. Shefali: With everything. We're conditioned by our own childhood, by
the unconsciousness of our parents, we're conditioned by culture in terms of norms,
what is right, what's acceptable.

Tom: When you say the unconsciousness of our
parents, you mean that they've just handed over what they were handed. Dr. Shefali: All this stuff. They've not been aware, they've not been attuned,
they've not been aligned.

They've just been doing what they were told
was the right way to live. What this does, this immediate placement of
a way [00:06:30] to be obscures the ability for the child to develop their way, right? They never get to figure out who it is they
are. They never hear the soul calling from within. They never hear the beat of their own essence.

They just come to be herded into cattle, right? Tom: Yeah. Dr. Shefali: This is where there's a disconnect
because the child is like, "Hey, see me." All they see reflected back is the parent's
ideation of what they should be, and then abyss between who the child believes they
are [00:07:00] and who they feel they should be grows wider. You have in adulthood you see all grown up
children walking around lost and aimless, finding who it is they are.

Why is it that you're doing this show? To help children, grown children, recover
what they once had, and that's a tragedy, right? Because they had it, we all had it once, so
what happens? What happens is that the parent because of
their unconsciousness and their being completely overwhelmed by conditioning, [00:07:30] plucks
the child's essence out and shove all these unconscious garbage in, which has never been
deconstructed, and they tell the child how to be. Then the child has to go through all their
life and then one day have an epiphany or be vomiting on a bathroom floor overdosed
that they begin to say, "Now I need to find who it is I am." Tom: Right. Dr. Shefali: That's this endless cycle.

We're all on it. We all are reading my books and watching your
shows, to recover from the parenting we received. Tom: That's really, [00:08:00] really interesting. I'll walk you through my transition reading
your book, I think it will be very familiar to you.

Dr. Shefali: Okay. Tom: The team brought you to my attention
and said, "I think you're really going to be blown away." I see it and I'm like oh man, she's amazing. You're so good at your talks.

Oh my God, you are amazing. So immediately yeah, absolutely bring her
on. Then I go into the real research where I dive
in, I'm reading the books, like really going in and I start hearing some of your real philosophies
[00:08:30] about parenting and I was like, "Whoa." I was shocked, I'll be honest. I was like, wow man.

The wonderful part is we're going to play
a game sort of here in a minute because I'm so fascinated by how consistent you are with
your answers. When you really start that deconstruction
process of okay you don't get to pour yourself into your child, your child is not owned by
you, what does that really look like as a parent? I was going through that like in real time
like [00:09:00] wait, if I had a kid I wouldn't be able to tell them what to do? I wouldn't be able to take ownership and guide
them and ... That was really fascinating. Dr.

Shefali: It's tricky. Tom: How do you help parents through that
when ... Well, first what is it that makes them cling so hard, and then how do you help
them through it? Dr. Shefali: It's really tricky from green
beans to having sex too young, it's knowing where that line is.

Tom: It's a good spectrum. Dr. Shefali: It is the same thing though. It's what's your stance as a parent.

Can I shove those green [00:09:30] beans down? Can I stop my kid from having sex? What is my jurisdiction? What is that sovereign line? It's really tough. The beauty of life though is that there is
no line in stone. Most of it is in sand, and it's uncomfortable. Life is this eternal dance between the knowing
and the not knowing, between the possessing and complete non-possession, between the doing
and the non-doing.

Isn't life constantly the art of this? No more do you see it played out [00:10:00]
than in the parent/child relationship. The child is asking you, "Guide me, control
me. I don't know how to do it." You're like, "Yeah, I'll do it. I'll help you.

I'll show you," but then you suddenly reach
a line where the child can't do it and can't do it your way. So now you have to back off, then you go in,
and then you have to back off. You have be the everything. You have to provide, care for, and give everything,
but you can't really own them.

It's this constant dance between stepping
into the doing and the ego of it, and your role as [00:10:30] a parent, to stepping completely
out of it, to understanding that your children are here ultimately to be their own sovereign
beings. So you can try and pretend and identify with
the role, but ultimately, they're their own person. So you ah and then you back off, right? You go close, and then you have to back off. If you don't and you ramrod into your child
because you don't see the line, no parent sees the line.

You missed the line. The line was like way back. You should have stopped way back, three years
ago, but you kept going. Then the kid will create something to push
you away.

They'll either slam [00:11:00] the door. They'll create the defense. They'll move to China. They'll do something to go okay, back off
now.

I need to find who it is I am, or they will
wallow in an addiction because they don't know where to go, because you don't know your
boundary as a parent. Tom: When you're working with these families
and they're coming and they're struggling, is there a system that you go through to break
it down to help them identify that? Because one thing I think about when I look
at it is [00:11:30] kids' brains just aren't developed. I was imagining you doing a parent and child
session, and the parent has all these rules and they've overstepped their bounds, but
the child literally has an underdeveloped brain. How risky, to use my words, is it to so fully
empower somebody whose brain hasn't finished developing to really take autonomy? Dr.

Shefali: Right, right, right. Conscious parenting is about being attuned
to [00:12:00] who your child is at the stage they're in. It does require knowing some psychology and
it does require knowing developmentally where your child is. I always say parents become parents, they
don't take a single psychology course.

They don't understand development. How is that possible? There needs to be some license, don't you
think? Like something, some qualifying exam, horniness
cannot be the only, like, "I was in love," no, that can't be a qualifier for raising
a child. You have to understand that I'm a psychologist
[00:12:30] so I understand, right? Being attuned to who your child is at their
stage of development, understanding their brain, and then giving the input that's needed,
of course, right? You do have a bedtime. You do aim for a bedtime, but you don't aim
for a bedtime that's 7:34.

You aim for a bedtime that's between 7:30
and 9:00 because you understand you're dealing with a child. Tom: So that they have the choice. Dr. Shefali: No, that they have the choice.

You're working with someone who is infinitely
malleable. You're not working with a soldier [00:13:00]
or a puppet, but on the other hand, you do have to have a bedtime. So you understand what I'm saying? It's playing the dance of both. You create an inbuilt structure in your life,
but you also don't go crazy and drive your kid nuts because now it's 8:05 and bedtime
was supposed to be 7:30, right? You do it with the art of balancing the doing
with the being.

Ultimately being as in connecting to the child
must triumph. All too often you'll see parenting is all
about the doing, all about the commands, and the controls and the directives, [00:13:30]
because we feel comfortable in the knowing. But really the precious jewel of having children
is to understand that they come here to teach you how to be, especially young children,
they come here to teach you how to be in the present moment. They ask you to shed your ideas of worth and
identity and success.

They ask you to recognize, can you accept
me for who it is I am? You will see, most parents do not accept their
children for who it is they are, because they're not good enough or great enough or fabulous
enough, [00:14:00] or not some accolade enough, not a degree enough. Then I show parents that the reason they can't
do this, accept their child unequivocally for who it is they are is because they haven't
accepted themselves for who it is they are. Tom: How much pushback do you get on this? Dr. Shefali: A lot.

Tom: Yeah. Dr. Shefali: A lot. People walk out of the room.

Tom: I am not surprised at all. Dr. Shefali: Yeah. Tom: For anybody thinking about stopping this,
I will tell you it only gets better.

This stuff really adds up and there's a consistency
to it. While you were talking, I was thinking [00:14:30]
about, I really hope you've seen this, The Sound of Music. Dr. Shefali: Yes.

Tom: You've seen it? Dr. Shefali: Of course. Tom: Okay. When my wife and I were considering having
kids, we've decided not to, so don't worry, I was so enamored by him blowing the whistle
and the kids lining up.

I was like oh my gosh, I'm going to do that. That was like my fantasy. Dr. Shefali: Like seven children.

Tom: Then yeah when I read your book I was
like, oof, that would have been a mistake. Dr. Shefali: The seven would have been a problem
too. Tom: Yeah.

We can start with that. Does that movie ... In my mind listening to
you talk, that movie [00:15:00] encapsulates the transition somewhat from going from sort
of the extreme end of imposing your will to then bringing somebody in who really tries
to discover who the children are. In that discovery, you really see the kids
blossom.

Dr. Shefali: Yeah. What a great metaphor. Yeah, I've never used it, now I will.

Tom: Nice. Dr. Shefali: Yes, so you have this very left
brain thinking, doing, military sticker persona of the patriarch who rigidifies everything
and believes that children [00:15:30] are to be seen, not heard and they're puppets
really, minions to his directives, right? But they're really lifeless and they're scared
of him and they're not exposing who it is they are. They're pretending.

They've created a false sense of self. They're all standing to attention. They're just obedient because they're in fear. That's the predominant traditional parenting
paradigm, control-based, hierarchical, dogmatic, and dominant.

Then this woman comes in and she's creative
and she speaks from the soul and she speaks their language. [00:16:00] They suddenly begin to peel away
all their defenses to emerge into who it is they are and they begin to fall in love, the
16-year-old. The children begin to be mischievous and they
begin to touch what the essence is. So, which one do you want? Do you want the robot and the puppet, but
you'll have silence, or do you want life and creativity, but you'll have chaos? Tom: Yeah.

It's amazing. Reading your book, the thing that I think
blew me away the most, A, was how deep ... As somebody who doesn't have kids I just began
to see how much this [00:16:30] impacts my own life, and how I can internalize the lessons
and really felt like it applied to virtually everything. You're asking the parents to do the work anyway,
right? Dr.

Shefali: Right. Tom: It's really deconstructing what has been
given to me, what is true to me, what's the truest version of myself. In fact, I'll ask that question for where
I was going, how do you identify or cultivate or whatever that word is, the truest version
of yourself? Dr. Shefali: Sure.

Just to piggyback on what you just said, [00:17:00]
my work seems to be about the parent/child relationship, but it's really about healing
the child within the parent, and in that respect, it's for every human being. Tom: I will agree with that. Dr. Shefali: Because every human being is
a child.

It's under the umbrella and the guise of the
parent wanting to pick up the book because it's about the child, but when they pick it
up and they realize this is about how they have to yet confront who it is they truly
are. So to your question, how do you develop the
truer self, well most of us have been divorced from [00:17:30] it. This is just the tragic truth for the reasons
I said, we've been given a prescription. We've been raised through a conditioned lens,
not a lens that truly honors who it is we are.

In order to now recover that, we have to peel
back the layers. We have to undo all that has been done to
us. We have re-question all that we should have
never been given answers to, and we should have been allowed to discover on our own,
such as who is God? What is God? What is religion? What is beauty? What is achievement? What is success? What is truth? Those questions, [00:18:00] those big life
questions should have been led to us, not given to us. We should have been led to discover them.

Tom: That's interesting. Dr. Shefali: They should not have been given
to us packaged, because maybe they don't work for us. It is through the discovery of those answers
that we discover who it is we are, and we discover our relationship with the universe.

We are robbing our children of this valuable
process by handing them this list. All we need to do really is just to guide
them. The most essential thing we need to do is
discover those answers for ourselves, [00:18:30] and value the sovereign right to muddle and
fumble and stumble and mess up, because when we value it and see how much it's given us,
we let our children suffer. We let our children fumble, because we know
where it's going to take them because we saw where it took us.

Tom: That was one of the things that really
made me fall in love with what you were saying is that notion that I get it, I get you want
to protect your kids from pain, but look at your own life and the strength that you've
developed and the clarity that you gained from the times that you fell down, from the
times [00:19:00] that you struggled. I thought wow, by the way this is the reason
I don't have kids. I'm afraid I don't have the ability to watch
them suffer. Dr.

Shefali: I hear you. Tom: That was the final thing where I was
like uh. Dr. Shefali: This is the greatest lesson for
parents to realize the power of pain, and our desire to fix it for our children and
to control it, because we're trying to mitigate and control it for ourselves, but we've never
been able to.

This is the universe's biggest lesson. You have to surrender. Life is pain. Life is unpredictable, [00:19:30] it's a cold
wall, it's a crapshoot, it's some adventure.

If you don't live it waking up every day saying,
"Maybe this is the day I will fully give it all up and change and start anew." We're so afraid to molt the skin. We're so afraid, so we'd much rather live
in the conformity of stagnancy. As long as we remain the same, it's much easier. But life is not that.

Our children come kind of ready to be that
ever morphing. You look at a child crying [00:20:00] biggest
tears one moment, and then gleefully excited the next. They have the capacity to morph. We rob them of this capacity.

We stagnate. We rigidify them. We need to learn from them. They live in every moment present and whatever
the present moment asks, they engage, and then they move to the next moment ready again,
new, beginner's mind.

All spiritual lessons of the mystics are ever
present in this potential of this moment, and our children show us that. We're just afraid. Pain [00:20:30] is the greatest teacher. It doesn't mean you self-flagellate and self-inflict.

It just means you don't hold yourself back
in the fear of it. You just live fully. The ultimate fear is that of death. That's what we're worrying of, but so what? Homelessness, jail, or death I tell my parents,
those are the three fears that your kid will be homeless, end up in jail, and die? Now, let's deconstruct those.

Tom: I heard that first in a talk that you
gave and I was like literally in [00:21:00] my mind oh like she's going to be okay with
this kid being homeless? Then you were like, "What's so bad about being
homeless?" What? It was fascinating. Dr. Shefali: If that is their destiny, you
are not going to take them there. You're not going to stop them either.

Tom: How do you steer them though? Because any parent like that's where, when
they don't see that you have guidelines that you have bedtime but it's flexible, all the
things you went over before, but when they don't see that and they hear it sounds flippant,
right? I know that [00:21:30] it's not having been
deep enough in your world. Dr. Shefali: It sounds flip, because people
come from the mind. They don't even understand what I'm talking
about till they begin to live it.

It sounds horrific. It's a horror show for somebody who's rule-bound,
who's that guy in Sound of Music. He was horrified by her. She had to work so hard breaking down his
defenses because he lives in fear, his paradigm is fear, his life is based on fear.

For that parent, this is a horror show, but
they are the one crippled in fear, not me. When I show [00:22:00] them that they're living
in their mind, they're not here in the present moment, when you live in the present moment
more and more, not everyone can live it 100%, then you are deeply attuned to what it is
your child needs, therefore, you will have guidelines. But the guidelines are not coming from someone
else's rigid definitions. They're coming from, they're emanating from
the moment.

If you're deeply present to your child, you
will know when your child needs to sleep, you will know your child doesn't like green
beans. Don't push them, but give them something else. Tom: What do you do though if the kid, you
know they need sleep, like you can see everything about it, they just need sleep. Dr.

Shefali: But they do need sleep, the child
will [00:22:30] sleep. There's no child who will not sleep, right? There is no child who will not sleep, you
just- Tom: What about the kid who is like fussy
and crying and the parent is like they just need a nap but they refuse? Dr. Shefali: Right, but there's a way. So you're going to give me extreme examples
like they're there and then they're there like you've presented to me, that's what parents
do.

But there's a way to work with the kid. You know they need a nap, but you know they're
not ready, so you want to get them here but you can't yank them by the collar and bludgeon
them to that, right? You have to find a way to go, you want to,
[00:23:00] trust me you want to. You want to, ask any parent, I want to go
to sleep. That book, why do you think that book does
so well, right? Tom: Right.

Dr. Shefali: It's because the worst thing
is after 9:00 at night, you can't deal with a crying child after 9:00 at night, right? It's the child's fault really, after 9:00
it's the child's fault. I would even say. I'm like who stays awake after 9:00, like
that's my time.

That's why you begin working on them from
5:00 in the evening, you can see your glass of wine at 9:00 and you have to start at [00:23:30]
5:00. You wear them down slowly. There's a way you work it through. What I'm saying is that these are not minions.

You have to come alive to the impossibility
of getting these beings to get on track. It's an impossibility. The way to do it is not through control. The way to doing it is to enter the present
moment, deeply connect, and through that connection, the child will move.

They do move. Children do want to be connected and rested
and well fed. They [00:24:00] are just children. Now deal with them.

Tom: Right. Talk to me, when you say be in the present
moment, is that be aware of what's really going on? Don't be bringing the past? You talked about kids and parents living in
different timezones, is that that concept or is it something else entirely? Dr. Shefali: It's an uber spiritual concept
of learning to be here. You want your child asleep, but they're fussy
so you can keep battling it or you can accept the as-isness of it [00:24:30] and now work
with what you have.

It's the parent who cannot accept the isness
of the now, so your child is throwing a raving tantrum, but you're imagining a quiet night
and the discrepancy, that's why I say the clash of the timezones or the clash of the
fantasy versus the reality. The parent who is stuck in the past or the
future or the fantasy, simply will want to yell, control, and lock that kid up, because
they are the enemy who is ruining my moment. Versus, understanding [00:25:00] this is the
isness of your child, now enter that moment. It doesn't mean accept or indulge, accept
that it is here, it's not that, it's this, now work with what you have.

Tom: Right. Dr. Shefali: Half of the battle is that because
we don't want to accept our child is not our fantasy. Tom: Wow.

Dr. Shefali: This is half the battle. The main battle is my child is not who I thought
my child would be, either not a super soccer player or a fantastic pianist or obedient
genuflecting little servant. Tom: You said [00:25:30] something in the
book and I want to go over the myths because I think they stopped me dead in my tracks
because they're so raw.

But you said something in the book where it
was like the father was like a really high achiever and you basically said you actually
don't accept your child as average. Like they're average, you have a problem with
that. Dr. Shefali: Right.

Tom: That would be hard to take. Dr. Shefali: For overly successful, ambitious,
perfectionistic anal men [00:26:00] and women. Tom: That was good.

Dr. Shefali: It would be very hard. Tom: The problem really is he wanted to believe
that he did love and accept his child as average. Dr.

Shefali: Right. Tom: If I remember right, he like sort of
really pushes back against you and like don't be so absurd. Of course, I do. Dr.

Shefali: Yes. Tom: Do people come around and finally realize
whoa, I don't and then oh, I don't want to lose this, and the guilt once they realize
like the epiphany is like a floodgate of guilt, right? Dr. Shefali: Yes. Tom: It's like [00:26:30] you know if I allow
myself to have the epiphany, I have to feel however old my kid is now, I have to feel
badly about that.

Dr. Shefali: Yes. Tom: How do you help people? Do they have the epiphany, and then how do
you help them through the flood of guilt? Dr. Shefali: Yeah.

The epiphany yes, is married to guilt. I often say when I do workshops, "If you're
going to leave here without guilt, you haven't learned anything." Some amount of guilt is good. I'm not talking about, again, self-abnegation
and shame. I'm talking about a healthy dose of oh my
[00:27:00] God, I didn't know this.

Then quickly to transform into action, and
the action being transformation. Not wallowing in the guilt now and not being
in bed for the next three months. Most parents who were raised on a diet of
overachievement on doing, on mind base, which is the whole of the world now, but especially
the Western world, but catching up greatly in the East, have a very hard time understanding
that their drive is not organic necessarily, [00:27:30] but coming out of their inadequacy,
their fear, their lack. They've just been indoctrinated to compensate
for this, and they've never fully healed from their encountering their ordinariness.

When I say that that's what's driving you
and then they get in touch with their little boy or little girl who truly felt ordinary
and not good enough in that ordinariness, that's when the epiphany occurs. Then I make them see how it's now being projected
onto the child. Don't do this to your child. Your child is [00:28:00] okay and whole in
their ordinariness.

The child doesn't need more to feel more of
themselves. They didn't come with this egoic desire to
attach to PhDs or labels or judgments or wealth to feel themselves. Children feel themselves just by who it is
they are. They are the simplest access to wholeness.

We rob them of this. Yes, the epiphany takes a while to come around,
when it does then comes guilt, then comes transformation. Tom: That's a [00:28:30] pretty incredible
process I would imagine. Dr.

Shefali: It's a process. Tom: How much of this did you have nailed
down before you had your daughter, and how much of it has changed now that you've spent
more than a decade being a parent? Dr. Shefali: I thought I had it all nailed
down. I thought I'd deconstructed my ego because
I had been meditating and studying Eastern philosophy for 12 years before I had my child.

There's something about having your own is
a special kind of mess up. You see [00:29:00] it in a special way. You can see someone else's mess up and you
can commentate, but when you see it in yourself and I was horrified. I saw my own shadow not yet healed.

I saw my ego and my desire and my fear, all
fear comes about that you thought you had conquered but here it is, and now you're obsessed
with your child doing well and your child turning out okay. The only drive from the moment they're born
is to get them to a good school, and then just get them out of the house, okay. [00:29:30] It's perverse. Every day it's just go to sleep, and then
go to college, who are you going to marry and how much money are you going to make when
you're 30? But then we're missing the whole process of
it, so I had not gotten it figured out.

When I saw my own raging ego, which I still
see on a daily basis and my own fear, it's all fear-based. I see parents plagued by fear and we're not
enjoying the parenting process, so I help mitigate those fears and liberate them from
their fears. Tom: [00:30:00] One thing that, and I'll pitch
this to the people watching at home, one thing you guys will see as you dive into her world
is she's always honest. You're always honest about like your own foibles
and the difficulties in your relationship and you'll use your daughter as examples a
lot, which makes it so accessible, which is really awesome.

Then it also brings around to the reminder
of who's doing the work, which ultimately is me, right? Dr. Shefali: Right. Tom: [00:30:30] What are techniques that any
of us can use to figure that out, to get in touch, to if we're going to ... Because you've
been so successful, I know you've worked very hard to get where you're at, and as somebody
who I won't say also, because maybe it's very different for us both, but I'm very ambitious.

At times in my life the process was ugly,
there's no question, but then at times it's been really beautiful and really fun. How do you reconcile [00:31:00] those things,
which if you were to describe on paper, wouldn't necessarily sound being in touch with the
true self? How do you deconstruct that and make sure
you're on a good path I guess? Dr. Shefali: Well, it's my commitment to this
work. I'm not doing this for the ego or the achievement.

It comes, it's great, but I'm not fixated
on it. My ultimate point of it all is to be authentic
and to [00:31:30] uncover and deconstruct my own mind's toxicities so I can liberate
myself, because if I liberate, then only I. Have a hope to help liberate someone else. Tom: Do you have a process for that? If it is meditation, like what form of meditation
do you use? Dr.

Shefali: It's largely meditative, but
not just checking out of intellect, using the intellect to discern, using wisdom, and
the meditative process. So constantly deconstructing what I'm going
[00:32:00] through. If I'm triggered, I deconstruct. So active deconstruction, but meditation really.

It's Vipassana Meditation that I do. It's insight meditation. Tom: Insight. Dr.

Shefali: Insight. Tom: Okay. Dr. Shefali: It's insight into your true nature.

Tom: Are you trying to create a quiet mental
space to be able to hear intuitive thoughts? Dr. Shefali: Yeah. It's really the most basic way of meditating. It's just bare bones, it's hardcore.

It's just you sit, you follow your breath,
you follow your breath, and you follow your breath. There's a science behind [00:32:30] it. Through the witnessing of your breath in the
present moment, in the present moment, in the present moment, you learn to detach from
your thoughts and you realize the impermanent nature of reality, because you realize your
thoughts are impermanent, and the now is impermanent. So you begin to live in the impermanence of
the now fully.

You realize the emptiness of the now, but
you begin to live in the now even more fully. Tom: Do you [00:33:00] follow your thoughts
as they come, or are you trying to quiet them? Dr. Shefali: No, you don't do anything. You just stay on your breath.

You only focus on your breath, and you're
never judgmental, you're never trying, you're never striving, you're just watching everything. You develop the witnessing eye. You get in touch with your essence behind
the field of awareness behind the doing self. Tom: I got into meditation about three years
ago.

I don't know that it has a name. [00:33:30] I call it just breathe meditation. Dr. Shefali: That's great.

Tom: I just do what you're saying follow the
breath. I think of it as trying to maximize the inherent
pleasure of each part of the breath cycle, which allows me to really focus on the breath,
which allows me then because of the sort of biomechanism at play to get out of the sympathetic
nervous system into the parasympathetic, I'm calming my heart rate. I'm slowing my breathing. I can really feel that sort of deep diaphragm
breath calm that you get when you do it, which is [00:34:00] very, very effective for me.

I bring that up because the way that that's
been leverageable in my life is in the business scenario when anxiety is spiking. If I'm about to give a talk or something,
every time I give a talk, right before I go on stage I meditate. That has been really helpful for me. Is that how you use it, where it's like as
in you're in a moment where the stress is, you're arguing with your daughter, [00:34:30]
let's say.

Dr. Shefali: Right. Tom: How does that training of being in the
impermanent now, how does that manifest really in the moment? Dr. Shefali: In the now, you've trained yourself
to pause, to go inward, to detach, to step back, to create a space.

Just that, immediately stops the blind reactivity
that children bring out in you or you allow them to bring out in you. The more the gap, the more the space, the
more the creativity, the more the [00:35:00] compassion, the more the connection, right? Tom: That's really interesting. Dr. Shefali: You're not just being led by
the past, led by the shoulds of life, led by their tantrum, led by someone else's unconscious.

You're able to discern, okay that person is
in their ego right now. I don't need to play. Tom: That makes a lot of sense. All right, I love your parenting myths.

I rarely take chunks out of something, but
these were too good and I was like, "If I. Forget, I will be so upset." All [00:35:30] right, first I'm just going
to read through them all, because I think people are going to be a little bit shocked,
and then I want to go a little bit deeper into some of them. Remember, these are myths. She's saying these are not how it should be.

Parenting myth number one, parenting is about
the child. That was very surprising. Parenting myth number two, a successful child
is ahead of the curve. That's a myth.

Number three, there are good children and
bad children. Number four, good parents are naturals. Number five, a good parent is a loving one. [00:36:00] That one I literally reread twice.

I was like, "Wait a second." So myth, it is a myth that a good parent is
a loving one. Definitely want to talk about that. Six, parenting is about raising a happy child,
equally shocking. Seven, parents need to be in control.

All right, let's start with five because that
was the one that was just like a showstopper for me, so a good parent is a loving one. Why is that a myth? Dr. Shefali: Because no one really loves,
no one really truly loves anyone. Tom: [00:36:30] Wow.

Dr. Shefali: Everyone loves conditionally,
and the conditions are need me, can I need you, can I depend on you, depend on me, give
me worth, don't let me go, make me happy, satisfy me. It's all about me. To truly love someone takes faculties that
we haven't developed yet, and least of all the parent.

Most love is conditioned, control-based, and
fear-based. It's all about the self. To love another, [00:37:00] it takes evolution
of unparalleled proportion. I can't honestly say I highest love my daughter.

I try, most times I'm conditionally loving
her and she knows it, and she detests it and she pushes back. She goes, "You're not seeing me. This is not about me. This is about me." Then I love her less.

Tom: I love that you bring such a sense of
humor to this stuff. [00:37:30] What do people do with that realization? I think that's a hard one for people. Dr. Shefali: It is hard, but it really bursts
the bullshit, you know.

Don't pretend you're loving your kid. You're loving yourself. Just say it. It's all you.

The parenting is all about you. It's about your ego, your need, your desires,
it's all your show. That guy with the seven kids The Sound of
Music, it was his little movie. It was his show, his movie.

We pretend we love our children, and in the
name of love is all the tragedy in the world. All the double [00:38:00] suicides and murders
and these are all in the name of love, but love is attachment. That's attachment. It's not love.

All of us are attachment-based lovers, not
high lovers. Tom: What would you put ... Maybe I can't
imagine, I really think you agree with this I could be crazy, but what would you put around
that beautiful connection that you have with your daughter? Dr. Shefali: In those moments when I'm out
of my own ego? Tom: Yeah.

Dr. Shefali: Once in a year, [00:38:30] then
it's high love, I can touch high love. I touch it when-
Tom: Are there shades in between? Dr. Shefali: No, I think high love is high
love.

It's when you have released your ego. You have released the imperative of the child
following your way. There's no you in the we. It's truly loving the other for who it is
they are, with no you in the picture.

They don't have to love you back, they don't
have to need you, they don't have to agree with you, they don't have to adhere to you,
now try loving your child or another. Tom: Yeah. [00:39:00] This is just interesting. It's sort of tangential to this, but if I
came to you and I said, "I'm not sure if I.

Should have kids," how do you help people
think through that? Dr. Shefali: I'll applaud you. Tom: For not having kids. Dr.

Shefali: Yes, for thinking about it, for
taking it seriously, for stopping and pausing and going, "Am I conscious enough to do this?" You think all of us should have had kids? I shouldn't have had a kid when I had a kid. I shouldn't. I was not conscious. I was just checking [00:39:30] off my list.

I was using my future kid. I imagined her, her name, wanted a her, not
a ... I mean, it was all predestined already. She had no shot to be her own human being.

If a pre-parent comes to me and says, "I'm
thinking ..." I'm like, "Oh, this is genius. Let's stop. Let's really take a pause a couple of decades. Don't rush.

Don't rush. Why are you having a kid?" I would seriously question because why are
we having kids really? [00:40:00] We're only having children mostly
to fulfill our egoic need to feel complete, to live a fulfilled life for ourselves. When you become conscious, the most conscious
parent is a non-parent. Tom: Wow.

Dr. Shefali: You're a conscious parent. Tom: Or at least recognizing enough that that
would be a train wreck. Dr.

Shefali: You haven't messed any kid up
yet, right? All the parents in this room, we've already
messed our kids up, and that's okay too. If we understand it's for the [00:40:30] service
of evolution, don't just keep messing up because you're the parent and you have a right. You have no unmitigated right. Your rights need to be taken away.

You need to be on a path of awakening to what
you're putting onto your kid. If you're teaching them fear, teaching them
hatred, teaching them racism, bigotry, xenophobia, that is a sin. It's a crime, right, because now you're perpetuating
what we have in this world. You're contributing to violence.

You don't realize it, but you just did. [00:41:00] Just by telling your kid your religion
is better than another religion, now you've contributed to separatist thinking and violence. You have to be that careful. Your child's psyche is in your hands.

Tom: I think it was Plato or Aristotle, I
usually give the credit to Plato, one of these days I will actually look this up. They said, "The only impossible job is raising
a child." That was the quote that really began my thought
process of I think I'm good, but I don't think I'm that good. I don't think I can avoid what I [00:41:30]
always saw as the butterfly effect of, it's something that I say married to something
that a kid at school says, married to being embarrassed one day because something happens
and it spirals out of control. Dr.

Shefali: You were conscious of your limitations
and the grandiosity that most parents have that don't make them think of their limitations. You don't have that. We have a grandiosity. It's narcissistic to think that we can raise
another being when we haven't raised ourselves.

We haven't done any work on ourselves. [00:42:00] I tell parents if you did not go
into the jungles and live one year in solitude contemplating who it is you are, you have
no business bringing a kid into the world. I didn't do that either, but have been doing
since because I see the irreparable damage I've been causing by my unconsciousness. Tom: One of the other myths is six, parenting
is about raising a happy child.

That's a myth. I have a firm belief, which I'm very open
by the way to being changed. I was changed [00:42:30] by researching, I'll
be very honest, and one of the things that I still hold onto is that the game you're
playing it's not success, it's not money, it's neurochemistry. That there is a state of even deep fulfillment
I think is transient, it doesn't just once you have it, you have it forever.

I think that there are times like you called
it high love, so like high love, there are times that you touch it and it's overwhelmingly
beautiful. In those moments you know I'm on a good path. In Greek, [00:43:00] they say, [se kal drmo
00:43:00]. Dr.

Shefali: Right. Tom: It's like I'm on a good path, and I get
that sometimes with fulfillment where I'm like okay, I have fallen on my face more than
I care to admit emotionally, with thinking I was chasing the right thing, only to find
out I'm totally miserable so this can't be right. Then there are times where I've corrected
course and really gone through fairly significant periods of man, I feel fulfillment. That has become like [00:43:30] my North star
when I talk to people.

I'm like look, the game you're playing is
brain chemistry. You want to feel a deep and as lasting as
possible sense of fulfillment. What is that for you, if it isn't happiness,
what is it? Dr. Shefali: It's to be present to your now
completely.

Tom: Good, bad, or indifferent. Dr. Shefali: Yeah, whatever the now is that
you have brought into your own existence, teaching the principle of cause and effect. You have causes that bring out the effect.

Tom: [00:44:00] Eckhart Tolle actually put
something on your jacket cover, didn't he? Dr. Shefali: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Tom: That's what I thought. For anybody that doesn't know, Eckhart Tolle
has a book The Power of Now, which all of that comes crashing on me as you say that.

Dr. Shefali: Yeah. His work and my work tries to enter the present
moment with a full on acceptance of engaging with whatever shows up. I will engage in the isness of this moment.

It sounds [00:44:30] cavalier and just whimsical,
but really it's not because if every moment is aligned and deeply engaged with, chances
are the next moment will be aligned. We won't go too off course because each moment
you are shooting for authenticity. Authenticity will breed more authenticity. It won't breed some crazy person in 10 minutes,
right? Chances are you will stay on course, right? You'll ask the right questions in a prevalent
way, in a pervasive way.

[00:45:00] You'll stay on course. Tom: What does this look like? Let's carry it out and somebody gets really
good at that, but they're still on the PTA. Board and they have to work, and it can be
a pain in the ass sometimes. Dr.

Shefali: Right. Tom: The sort of highs and lows, is it just
that they're less prone to riding those dramatic waves, and so there's a more even keel in
the moment, I'm present and I experience ... In fact, you do this beautiful job of describing
like [00:45:30] a child can be entranced by a leaf. They just get lost in that moment.

Is that it? The ability to recapture being so present
that you can experience beauty in simplicity for lack of a better way to say it? Dr. Shefali: I think it's being in touch with
the transcendent in every moment. Whether you're scrubbing dishes or changing
diapers, you are in touch with transcendent of this moment. What does that mean? Because transcendent sounds like the opposite
of the now, right? It's like not in the now.

It means [00:46:00] that while you're in the
now of this life form, cleaning dishes, you're aware that you are more than this. You are this and then something else. You are this energy, this life force, this
essence, this awareness. So staying in touch with that, what is nature,
what is our divinity, the flow, as you were talking about, then that allows you to live
in the life based form attachment with ease.

Then you're in the traffic jam and you're
not [00:46:30] losing your shit, because you are in the ...
You understand that this is just the play of life, this is just the play of form. You have a transcendent understanding that
you are not in a car really, in a traffic jam. You're not identifying with that. You're greater, you're larger, you're more
expansive than that.

Always being in touch with that magnificent
transcendence of life and your divinity, so when you're on the PTA board or when you're
in the traffic jam, to be connected to nature, to breathe, [00:47:00] to recognize that you
are beyond this car. Being in touch with that element, where children
are in touch with, brings about a transcendent quality to life. Tom: Talk a little bit about what you said
as to why pursuing happiness is actually a trap. Dr.

Shefali: Because when you pursue anything,
it means you don't have it already. When you don't have something already, you're
in lack. You cannot pursue abundance from lack. Like I said, [00:47:30] the moment now will
create the next moment and the next moment creates the next moment.

If you're in lack, pursuing, striving, hungry,
craving, you may obtain something, you may get to the buffet table but then you're going
to devour it. You won't be mindfully enriched by it. It won't be the jewel at the end of the search. It will be your ravenous and rapacious.

You'll miss out on the joy of the process
of eating mindfully. Only abundance begets abundance. So pursuing happiness is a misnomer. [00:48:00] It's an absolute counterintuitive
misbelief.

It can never work. They cannot go together. Happiness itself is misunderstood. For me, it's the fullness of being engaged
in this present moment, whatever shows up.

When you're here and you're fully accepting
of this moment, then you're accepting of the next moment. You're not looking for anything, you're full
in the now. If your plane is delayed and you're stuck
on the tarmac, that's your now. Now be here [00:48:30] now.

You envisioned a fabulous, harmonious, peaceful,
serene day on the beach, but your child has diarrhea and all you're doing is changing
diapers, well that's your now. Now engage with it, and then watch the waves,
but engage with that, right? This is more what life is, is the ordinariness,
the murkiness, the messiness, but we have to infuse it with the transcendent. Tom: Much to my shock or and dismay, I have
to get to my last question now, but first, where can these [00:49:00] guys find you online. Dr.

Shefali: On my website drshefali.Com. They can visit me at my events. I have events all over the place and I'm having
one in Long Beach, California, where I gather parents together. Not just parents, children of parents, adult
children, all of us are that, right? We rise together to heal and understand how
to break down and deconstruct all what culture has put on us.

Tom: Awesome. All right, my last question. Dr. Shefali: Yes.

Tom: What's the impact that you want to have
on the world? Dr. Shefali: [00:49:30] To elevate parental
consciousness, because I believe that is the core of disease. Tom: Nice and easy. Dr.

Shefali, thank you so much. Dr. Shefali: Thank you. Tom: That was amazing.

Dr. Shefali: Thank you. Tom: All right, boys and girls, I am telling
you this is somebody you're going to want to read everything she's written, watch all
of her talks. It is unbelievable, it's the consistency that
I want you to see.

Just when you think aha, that question will
get her, she's [00:50:00] got an answer for it. It is absolutely fascinating. It was a journey, and that is the highest
compliment that I can pay anybody when I've done research, is that they've taken me on
a journey and made me rethink some of the most fundamental things in my life. Absolutely incredible, whether you adopt it
all or just makes you rethink your paradigm, it doesn't matter.

It is intriguing, it is important, and she
has her finger on the exact right questions that you need to be asking, whether you're
a parent or not. I'm not and I found this stuff [00:50:30]
taking me to an absolutely engrossing, fascinating place. I am truly mortified that this interview has
come to an end, and hopefully we will be able to get her back on at some point. That would be incredible.

Guys, she will change you if you let her. All right, it's a weekly show. If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. Until next time my friends, be legendary.

Take care. Dr. Shefali: Very good, good job. Tom: Thank you guys so much for watching.

If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe
and for [00:51:00] exclusive content, be sure to sign up for our newsletter, all of that
stuff helps us get even more amazing guests on the show and help us continue to build
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