Dating Rules Indian Guys Need to Follow - Stand Up Comedy by Kenny Sebastian

Being in a relationship for three years
you learn something. There are certain rules. Especially if you are dating
an Indian girl. Indian girls have a lot of restrictions.


Unfortunately! Its like a... I feel every Indian girl has to lie to her parents to date a guy. Like in a covert Russian spy mission. She is always on the lookout.

Is that my mom? Is that my dad? No. Is that my uncle? Shit! My uncle. Fuck! Moustache. So, what I learnt from this is  when her mom calls you never disturb that call.

Do not disturb 'the girl and her mother' call. There are certain signs to know
her mom is calling. If her phones ringing and she is like... Thats not her mom.

If her phones ringing like... One second. And they go into this protective environment. Which has an invisible force field.

And like an idiot I asked her, Who are you talking to? Your mom? And she said, No! Go away You fool! You have any idea what would happen if she knew? Yeah, mommy, I am praying. Were chilling. Actually, we are studying. Yeah, mom.

Yeah. Never mess with her... I have seen girlfriends turn into hulks. They've punched me in the face.

Its very scary. Second rule: Never...
This is such a stupid thing, guys. Never try to make your girlfriend jealous.

Just look at the scenario. Just look at the scenario in this club right now. Single guys. Single girls.

Few! A single girl in India with a population of a billion 99% are single guys. Do you know the amount of attention she is getting? It is a privilege that she is... For a few months, I will give you
my full attention. And you think, Oh! This one girl hit on me.


Let me show off. Come on. It is the most dumbest thing
you can ever do. Also, we guys are very simple.

We get happy with simple shit. One girl flirts with me
and Im like Fuck, cant wait to tell my girlfriend. She is going to value me more now. Hey, guess what happened today?
What? A girl was flirting with me.

You jealous? How cute. She gave you attention? Let me tell you about the guys who hit on me while I went
to the bus-stop five minutes back. Page one. Dont try to make her jealous.


Just, dont. Rule #3. This is a very weird thing
but it shows character. You have to drop your girlfriend
to the auto rickshaw.

Make sense post when it gets dark.
Makes sense. But, if it is before 5 pm
it doesnt make sense to me. Because guys are horrible
at catching auto rickshaws.

Women are awesome because
guys believe in physics. Women dont. They dont. I have seen auto rickshaws hit motorbikes
and hit guys crossing the road.

My girlfriend stops an auto. Auto! Just stops here. Just stops. The problem with guys is that we have
this problem - we also use logic.

When we try and stop an auto, we say no, that is going
in the opposite direction. We cant stop that auto. Mad or what? He looks tired. No need.

And the worst part about catching autos is that
I hate doing this because you have to judge the auto. If its dark, 7 pm, 8 pm, 9pm and you have to drop your girlfriend. You have to judge the auto driver.
The first auto driver.

He looks like a murderer. He looks like a rapist. No need. Bye bye.

He looks very weak. Malnutritioned.
Come here, sir. Come here.

He wont do anything! Its sad. You have to do that. And the most amazing thing guys think they do Hey baby, once you reach home, send me a text. What good that does, I have no idea.

Because in case your auto explodes,
I will get a sms. It makes no sense. So much... No, you have to send it otherwise...

Also, one thing, guys dont know
how to say sorry. They dont. Whos in a relationship? Give me... How would you say sorry to your girlfriend? Sorry.

Yes, exactly! Thats what I say. See, thats the problem. You dont just say, Im sorry. Have you noticed, guys have this ego and
they dont apologise a lot.

But women apologise a lot.
Have you noticed? I dont know if that is
a good or a bad thing. But its very clever. What they do, they have bank
where they collect a lot of sorrys.

But, they say sorry for stupid shit
that doesnt matter. Oh my God, I know you asked for apple
but theres a banana. Is that okay? Im so sorry. And you are like, thats fine.

Im just slightly hungry. Okay. Ting. Oh, Im so sorry,
Im five minutes late.

Is that okay? Yes. Thats fine. You dont have to apologise. Okay.

Ting. And then you screw up. Baby... Wow! So many casualties.

I went through this. She had this big jar. Wow! I never got such a big applause for that. Peace off, guys.

Dont worry. Its going to get better. And then, we say, Im sorry. And she's like...

Just like that. Sorry. No. What you have to do is make it dramatic.

You have to say sorry but just like being...
Like Channing Tatum types. Just like. Bad acting but... You screw up.

You go up to her and be like... Just talk about normal stuff. This morning I took the bus. It was pretty crowded.

The weathers been kind of... Yeah, its been kind of cold. By the way what happened yesterday,
I just want to say that Ill never talk to you that way again. And...

Stop mid sentence. And walk away. And then, stop. Hopefully, if its raining,
it will be great.

I just want to say, Im sorry. And get your small cute cousin...
Just pay Rs.150/- And make the cousin come up
to your girlfriend and say Who was he? He was my love. Thats the way.
Thats the way we say sorry.

A lot of effort, I know.
But it works..