Ellen's Got Great Dating Tips

- Is anybody
on a hot date tonight? Anybody got a--Yeah?
Oh. [Cheers and applause] Portia and I are not doing
anything special tonight, but I do know a thing or two
about dating, and I thought I'd give you
some advice. I brought some visual aides
with me. Unfortunately they're all
from the season premiere of "The Bachelor." Did you all see it? Did you watch
the season premiere? Oh.
Yes? [Applause] It lasted,
like, 3 1/2 hours.

You had to catch some of it
at some point. Another half hour, and we would've had
to call a doctor. Anyway, here are my five tips
to help your dating turn into mating. It's a working title.

It may change.
It's just a working title. Tip number one: when you meet
someone for the first time, it's okay to hug, but not the way
that this woman does. I'm gonna call it
Exhibit A. - Hi, Chris.
- Hi, how are you? - I'm so good.
- You are beautiful.

- [Sighs] [laughter] - [chuckles] [laughter] - Does--doesn't she seem
a little clingy, or is it-- Even if he had just saved her
from an oncoming train, that hug would've been
over the top. And then it wasn't
awkward enough, so she began to softly weep
in his ear. Tip number two:
to make a good first impression, it helps to stand out,
but don't try too hard. This is Exhibit B.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, my god. She's gonna sing. [Singing]
- My name is Carly It's nice to meet you And in a few weeks,
I hope to teach you You'll learn a little about me,
I'll learn a little about you Then maybe one day,
one and one can make two Until then Let's enjoy the ride And I'll see you inside - [laughs] [singing]
- I'm gonna go home right now He didn't pick me
after all I didn't get a rose And I-- Tip number three:
it's nice to bring a--a gift. You want to bring a gift,
but it has to be tasteful.

I'm not sure this was really
the right choice that the contestant brought. - So I was trying to think
of something that, you know, I could get you
from the heart. - Mm-hmm.
- So... - Is it a heart?
- I got you a little present.

- Good.
- Ready? - I think so.
Oh, my god. [Audience exclaims] - It's just a joke.
- That's awesome. That's awesome. - [Laughing]
It's not real.

It's just a joke. [Hyperventilating] Ah. First a karaoke machine, then someone brings out
a fake heart. Who's producing "The Bachelor"
this season, Carrot Top? So many props.

Tip number four: if you want
to show you're interested, you do want to do that; don't put all your cards
on the table like this woman. - I don't know much about you.
I know your name's Chris. I know you are a farmer, and you can plow the [bleep]
out of my field any day. - [Laughs] - You're not Chris?
Or you're not a farmer.

- This is Chris; I'm both.
I'm all the above. You just took my breath away
with that one, I think. - You have a sparkle
on your face. Who is she?
No, I'm just kidding.

Okay.
- I'm excited. - Yeah. [Both speaking indistinctly] - Come find me. - Ah.

Let me remind you, this is them
before they start drinking. This is-- Who else is glad they don't
have to date anymore? Just me?
It's tough out there right now. And finally, this last tip
is inspired by someone who's on my staff. She's a contestant this season.
Her name is Gina.

She's been on our show
many, many times. She was our spokesperson
for Litter Genie during Cat Week, and it brings me
tip number five. Always apply your makeup
before meeting your date, not like Gina. - You made it.

- That's a short skirt.
- You look stunning. - Hi, I'm Cat
from Gina Week. No, I'm Gina from Cat Week,
not a cat. I am a Gina.
- Don't worry.

I'm just as nervous
as you are. It's gonna be fun. [Gum smacking, snapping] You can corn my cob
any day. - What? - [Laughs] Good to meet you.

- [Screams] I'm good. - Crazy. - Ah, Gina. [Cheers and applause].