Family Guy - Peter Uses Country Dating Sites

Oh boy, the marshals is now a nordstrom. I feel like our days at this mall are numbered. Well, we have $60.00 Let's see what kind of Chinese pressed board garbage we can get to replace my grandmother's priceless mahogany table. Dad, look! Santa's here! I want to sit on his lap.

Jeeze Chris, come on. You're in high school. I'm gonna ask him for a family trampoline! Holy crap, get your ass up there! You know what Peter? I'll get the table myself and then I might just sit in that car in the middle of the mall and cry Sheesh look at this line. Yeah, no kidding and it's not moving.

Me and my adopted son have been waiting quite a while. But... What..? W-why did you... I didn't even ask.

So is your son a "biologe"? What is..? I-I'm not.. I-I don't.. I- I don't watch Modern Family. Sorry..

Hey Chris, wait here. I'm gonna see what's going on. Hey Muscles. What's taking so long? I'm sorry, sir.

This may shock you, but it turns out the seasonal Santa we hired has a drinking problem, and I don't know where to find a replacement on such short notice. Hey, you're a hefty guy. I called you "Muscles".. Would you mind putting on the suit and playing Santa? Just until the shift ends? I'd pay you for your time.

Alright, fine. I mean, it's not the first time I pretended to be someone else. I once dressed as a farmer to get a date on farmersonly.Com Are you Peter? Yeah. Uh, are you the gross lady who lives in the converted horse trailer? "You don't have to be lonely!" At farmersonly.Com! It doesn't say "Whites only", but...

Yeah. ...And I want a tricycle, and a pony, and an American girl doll, and a drone with a camera, and a gun that fires- Ho ho ho! Yeah, sure. All of it. Alright now go pick up your picture.

And before you go crying to your mom, that's my cell phone you're feeling. Hey, what the hell's going on? Oh, Santa! I-I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was your car. That's right! Now crumple up that ticket! Now eat it All right.

Now, we're gonna go to your home, and wait for you to pass it, and then you're gonna eat it again! Hey, honey. This is Santa. He's gonna come in and watch me in the bathroom. Oh, just like the easter bunny did.

Exactly! I got a lot of guys coming through here. Bye Santa! Bye strippers! Uh, you can all take your clothes off now, I was just coming in for the spaghetti. Bitch, agh that hurts! Agh.. I'm drunk.

Heart's beating fast. Spaghetti angel! I'm making a spaghetti angel! When Italian guys die, they- they turn into.. It uh.. Peter! Peter Griffin! Peter! We need to talk.

Who... Who are you? I'm the REAL Santa Claus! Awesome! Okay, my first wish is for a thousand wishes. Yes! That's not me, that's a genie. Okay, then my first wish is for a genie.

Again.. You'd need a genie. How wasted are you? Don't judge me. You live in a bottle! It's a lamp- Ah- and I'm not a genie!!! All right, come on now pal.

Seriously, who are you, really? I already told you, I'm Santa Claus! Oh, yeah? Well, if you're santa then what did I ask for for Christmas when I was 12? Nothing, because it was the year you found that penthouse in the woods. *Gasp* You really are Santa! Am I really heavier than you? I-I-I gotta take control.. Look! I'm not very happy with you. You can't go around in that suit pretending you're me and acting like a complete jackass.

What are you talking about? People love me! They give me free stuff! No, they love me. You're just exploiting my brand for personal gain and destroying my reputation! So there's like... No toilet on the sleigh.. So you're- you just...

You're just crapping in people's houses, right? You're not hearing me! Stop wearing that suit! Or else. Or else what? Or else, I will put you at the top of my naughty list. You know you're not talking to a little kid anymore, so get the hell out of my face, Santa I like this suit, and I'm keeping it! Now if you'll excuse me You're standing in my strip club spaghetti. I gotta get this home to my family for supper.

You better watch out..