Why Speed Dating Is Terrible - People Watching #1

So tell me about yourself I'm really lonely, but I'm worried the more desperate you are the less attractive that makes you so it's kind of a Yeah So where did you grow up? Hey, how's it going? Never really done this kind of thing before. I have. I've done it way too many goddamn times. I'm about at the point where I want to just start masturbating under the table while maintaining eye contact just to see if anyone notices.

I... I see. Sorry, just jaded. You do these events and you meet the same people over and over or rather you don't meet them because everyone's generically trying to appeal to the largest number of people and it just feels, so pointless Sorry Why come them? Because the people I meet at work are the worst? And because approaching a stranger in a bar is just prejudice in a flowery typeface.

I sure wouldn't date anyone where I work. What do you- Stripper. Not because it was the only avenue for me or because I just needed to pay for school But because I genuinely like being naked in front of large groups of people, despite the cognitive dissonance of that situation necessitating the kind of audience that immorally thinks the human body is inherently taboo. You sure are, uh, forthcoming.

You sure are still talking to me because a certain level of conventional beauty mitigates an equal level of craziness. Look, compatibility is based on specificity right? So tonight I thought I'd be as specific as possible as a shortcut to eliminating everyone who's not a good match. So you've got all your potential matches right and then either I can say hi! My name is Joan, and I took economics in school, and I really like movies, and I believe you've already met my giant rack. And then I'm going to be here all goddamn night.

Or... I can say hi. My stage name is Candy and don't you hate it when you're sliding naked down a pole in front of the kind of businessmen who are ruining the country, and one of them throws a 5 and someone used a sharpie to make the guy in the bill -I don't know his name- look like spock and you have to fight not to burst until after in the middle of your twerk routine Because it would humanize you and that's worse for business in a way that your cellulite only dreams of. And yes, I just narrowed the dating field down to people with a stripper fetish, But hopefully there's also a couple people who heard the nuances of what I was saying or the way I was saying it or even my willingness to say it and regardless of my career choices something fundamentally resonated which is who you want to be dating thus, radical honesty.

I mean it's supposed to be speed dating right? This just makes it, like, warp speed dating It was probably some to it. I mean basically all I heard there were the two references to Star Trek so right on, eh. My favorite series is Voyager. What kind of music you like? Oh, I don't know I like stuff from a bunch of different genres, I guess.

Wow Risky strategy, that's for sure. Is it though? If I tell every potential date that I think the criminal justice system should be restructured so multiple accusations of sexual assault against one individual are classified as evidence and the high percentage of convictions introduced by this fundamental change would outweigh small number of false convictions, then I'm weeding out entire groups. People who think sexual assault is no big deal, people who hate women with opinions, people who hate new ideas, people who can't handle differences of opinion or even just people who think I'm an idiot because they have the experience to know better, and so who's left? Sociopaths who don't listen to what I'm saying regardless of what it is because to them I'm just barbie with shorter legs? But then also people who appreciate either my sentiment or my motivations. You whittle it down, you're still here, so which group are you? The too polite to leave until the seven minutes are up, even though staying when you don't like the person isn't really polite, Group.

Ah right, them too. What do you like to do? Oh, I like traveling and food festivals and live music but not country and I like drinks with friends and taking photos. Like I kinda want to be- be a photographer maybe and I also like staying in staying in and just chilling sometimes, but like whatever works, I guess. Oh, me too! We have so much in common, eh? What do I like to do? I don't know.

Watch Youtube videos about Russian prisons or people who died doing BDSM? And then either half-heartedly masturbate or read shitty 80s Sci-Fi paperbacks or both at once until one becomes more engrossing than the other but either way kills three hours. You don't want to finish too fast, it's supposed to be about the journey right? Yourself? Ummm Cooking? Yeah, I just eat hot dogs and shit. I figured the time you save by not cooking will roughly equal the extra years you'd live if you spent that time preparing actually healthy meals so it's a zero-sum game or I just don't give a shit because I'm vain as fuck and when I'm old and ugly I won't want to live anyway, I forget which. Next.

You're trying what now? Just being like really specific instead of general, I guess. You know when you see a couple and you ask him. Oh, what do you like about her? And he's like well, she's so beautiful instead of naming an actual personality trait? And then eventually they're someone's miserable grandparents? Like the opposite of that, I guess. Radical honesty, maybe? I'm weird and alone and I figured I'd try and be upfront about basically everything and hopefully find someone who likes those differences...

Kind of, thing. So I'm guessing that's why the first thing you said was, uh- Yeah, that's why I'm leading off with hi, my name is Jeremy, and I'm a virgin. I'm completely sex positive though, I mean I've never been in space, but I'm definitely pro astronaut. But that's like, so risky.

Yeah, well, I mean, you're obviously horrified but for someone who wasn't these seven minutes would be flying past instead of not. I don't know It's like I can date someone and wish they were a certain way or I can just say hi! I'm looking for someone who thinks that two people reading quietly counts as doing something together and then maybe actually find someone who thinks that. You only need to be attractive to one person, right? Yeah, totally. How's it going? Bad! Horrible! Oh my God.

Holy fuck! Why was I born? The shame! Ah! I'm bald! I'm bald! Aah- Good yourself. [That seems risky. Don't you think you're giving people too big of a hurdle?] [Oh, I know.] You can go best foot forward to get yourself in the door after which it's easier to have your quirks overlooked once they emerge or you can do the opposite where a Bait-And-switch is impossible but then you're faced with a possible condition that you have insufficient bait to catch anyone. I guess I'm just theorizing that whatever Idiosyncrasies sits alone in one's Pandora's box is enough to attract someone fundamentally compatible.

Mmm. Plus the longer they're inside the door the harder it is to break up with them even if they're entirely wrong for you, eh? Well, exactly. See you get it. God I wish it was gay.

Huh! I know. Me too. All right, I should get back in there nice meeting you actually. Godspeed.

So tell me about yourself. You know what? It's like this: I'm super nice, but I can be unavailable for weeks at a time due to anxiety and depression so whoever I end up with has to believe that the good times make the bad times worth it. I'm just going to lead off with that. Okay, then No, you know what? Seriously, thanks for being so upfront that's really cool, actually.

Thanks. [You just have to forget about the awkwardness of failing.] The system objectively doesn't work so you change the system Oh, God. You're one of them. Do I even dare ask who you think should pay on the first date? The restaurant should pay because they principally make money off alcohol so promotion where you let first daters eat for free would be a fun way to get business and publicity while also helping out a bunch of nervous young people who have enough to worry about who are probably broke anyway.

That is... Actually, not bad. What's on your mind? I'm really sick of feeling like a weirdo outsider when I don't deserve to. It's the assholes who should feel like they don't matter.

It's the racist pieces of shit who don't belong. They're the ones who should feel like society isn't for them. They're the ones who should be wallowing and self-doubt and alienation. I'm sick of good people feeling bad and bad people feeling good.

That's what's on my mind. Fuck. Good answer. Radical honesty? Fine, uh I secretly want to find someone who's into watching bullfighting as much as I am.

See! And now you're horrified! [Yeah] but if I wasn't horrified to the core of my being right now this would be a huge moment for you, right? Focus on that. You know what? Fuck it! I like two things: the beach and pegging. I like two things: the beach and pegging. I like two things: the beach and pegging.

I like, two things: the beach and pegging. Oh my God. Really? [But even if honesty doesn't work] it's about the journey, you know? You put yourself out there in a risky way, and yeah, you get a predictable amount of stares, but you also learn a lot about yourself just saying stuff out loud and hearing how it sounds and realizing that you agree with yourself. You aren't just thinking it.

And it's nice. I mean, we're constantly being told that if it's not success then it's failure, but that's bullshit. Maybe the entire focus of dating should be to get a greater sense of self acceptance, and then maybe that'll make you attractive to the kind of person who finds that attractive. The kind of person who's like smart and sexually confident.

And who thinks two people reading in the same room at the same time counts as doing something together. And you talk in a similar way, and you kind of feel like you're from the same from the same time in place. [But it's like even if you do every damn thing] to put yourself out there, you still might never meet them just due to luck. There's only so much you can control.

So, hopefully, you can at least get something out of the search, you know? Yeah, no, that's cool actually. If I can be honest, I don't really feel the right chemistry here But if I'm willing to tell you that then at least hopefully that means you'll believe me when I also say I really respect your honesty and what you're saying, and I genuinely wish you all the best in your search. Thanks, and yeah. You too.

Godspeed. I hope you find what you're looking for. I mean, that's why we're all here, right? (Music) love is not a running race if you want to lay me down, then be sweetly 'cause now you left me with the bitter taste I get so removed when you treat me like you do I'm so over you 'cause everything I do is no good for you I'm no good for you. Hi guys, I'm Natalia.

I play Candy on people watching. You can go check us out on Facebook. Facebook.Com/subnormality.